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Is your Prince a Toad?
Copyright (c) 2007-2012 Siobhan Gamble
So, you think you've found the perfect guy. He is everything you have ever imagined and it is still hard to believe how lucky you are to have found him. On top of that, he is intelligent, funny, charming, thoughtful, unbelievably attentive, and he loves your nose; which just happens to be that one thing about your face that you wish you could change. Did I mention how incredibly handsome he is? Not even six months have passed and the topic of marriage has already sprung up; not on your behalf, but his. You can't help but to think, "How lucky can one girl be"?
Well, unfortunately in most cases like this, luck is the farthest thing away from the truth. Everyone at some point in their life has heard the saying "too good to be true"; well let's just say you have met its creator. He is sometimes so good or "skilled" at what he does that he could have you swearing on your own life that he is your prince charming and was hand picked especially for you. He will sweep you off your feet with his smooth, romantic words and make you feel like the princess that every little girl dreams to be.
The reality of this ostensible fairytale closely relates to that of the wolf in sheep's clothing. In your mind, you found yourself a winner while in his mind; he believes he's found his prey.
Identifying this type of man can indeed be tricky, and sadly, many blind factors on the victim's behalf may play a part. These men or "abusers" (to use a better word) seem to have a special nose for detecting women who are vulnerable. These women include those who have been abused in any way in their past or those with low self-esteem, etc. However, there are signs and red flag behaviors that are generally seen in abusers, and can be observed within a relationship. Since abusers generally manipulate people by charming to get their way, it is very difficult to identify abusers by their behavior towards people outside of a relationship.
Here are some of the signs that may be observed. Please note, the more red flags that are recognized, the more he is likely to be an abuser. Sometimes there may only be a few signs present, which may be exaggerated. It is not uncommon for this type of man to attempt to explain his behavior as an indication of his love or concern. In the beginning, it may even strike you as flattering, but as time goes on; his controlling and domineering behavior becomes more evident.
He pushes for commitment. Abusive men try to persuade as fast as they can because they cannot keep up the "good" image for too long. If you have known him less than six months and he is already asking or pressuring you to marry him, that is NEVER a good sign.
He drinks alcohol, abuses drugs, and/or has a history of violence. If you know for a fact that he has abused someone else in the past, do not think for a second that you will be exempt. It doesn't hurt to play it safe and do your homework on him to find out if he has ever been arrested for domestic violence.
He is possessive. He may invade your space and privacy; reading your mail, going through your cell phone, call you a hundred times a day and visit you unexpectedly. He may also interfere with other relationships and try his best to break them apart.
He has a poor relationship with his parents, particularly his mother. Also, pay close attention to how he treats other members in his family, especially the females.
He has a negative outlook on women in general.
He is controlling. Insists on making all the decisions, making it difficult for you to make decisions for yourself. This includes money, investments, hobbies and recreational activities. He interrogates you about your whereabouts, telephone conversations and makes you feel trapped.
He talks negatively about his past relationships and disrespects his exes.
His expectations of you are unrealistic. He depends on you for all his needs, expecting you to be the perfect wife, lover, partner, friend, and mother. He may say things like, "you're all I need" and expect you to take care of all his emotional needs as well.
He likes "playful" use of force during sex. He may like holding you down, slapping you, jumping on top of you or pinning you up against the wall during sex. The act of you appearing helpless turns him on, which in turn lets you know that the act of rape excites him. He may show little to no concern about whether you want to have sex and will sulk and use anger to manipulate you.
He is extremely jealous. He hates when another man glances your way or speaks to you. Forget about talking to another man in front of him, he will really blow it out of proportion. It may seem cute at first or as an act of love, but it will soon isolate you from men altogether and you will start to feel uncomfortable or guilty around them.
He is cruel to animals and children. This includes teasing a child until he/she cries, expecting them to do things beyond their capabilities, deliberately hurting animals in front of you and the children in order to use the animals suffering to manipulate you.
He isolates you from your family and friends. He accuses family and other family members as causing trouble and may restrict your use of the phone, car, or from going to work or school.
Blames other people for his problems and feelings. Almost everything that goes on in his life is blamed on someone else. Phrases like "you made me do it" or "you made me mad" are not uncommon.
He has an over-bearing or aggressive personality.
He "coincidentally" always agrees with you. He appears to be interested in everything that you have to say. Many people use this sly method as a way to control you by gaining your trust.
He brags about himself. His self-obsessed behavior allows him to talk excessively about himself and is one of the most obvious tell-tail signs often seen in abusive men.
He is sneaky and tells lies. He tries to hide certain details about his life out of fear of losing you.
He expects something in return for his deeds. At first he will be happy to tend to your wants and needs but soon he will be throwing a list in your face of all the things he has ever done for you, as if he was keeping count. He will feel as if you owe him.
Verbal abuse. He says mean and hurtful things, uses foul language to degrade you and attack your self esteem and finds ways to get the message across to you that you are nothing without him.
He uses any type of force during arguments. He may hold you down, shove you, shake you, or restrain you from leaving a room. He will try to force you to listen to him.
Of course, these are only some of the red flags that can be used to identify an abuser and it does not make it evident that everyone who demonstrates some of these qualities is abusive.
However, it is wise for anyone who has raised an eyebrow or two while reading this to follow their overall gut feelings about their relationship. That gut feeling is your heart; your guide telling you what to do and it doesn't lie.
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Siobhan Gamble is a writer for EarthFrisk.com , a social bookmarking and Social Media site where members vote on links, articles, and videos. You can also create a blog, community, share pics and make friends all over the world. See http://www.earthfrisk.com
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