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For Better or For Worse -- Divorce Can Usually Be Prevented
Copyright (c) 2008-2012 Cyndi Fortin
Ask a few comedians - or for that matter, anyone whose marriage failed - what the top cause of divorce among married couples is, and a fair number of them are going to say that the answer is obvious: marriage. It may be because of this assertion that more and more couples are opting to not get married at all; if you aren't married, there's not any reason why you would have to get divorced.
The rate at which couples are taking the plunge and getting married is decreasing even though the overall population is continuing to grow. Based on a recent study on marriage, 7.5 of 1000 individuals get married during the course of the year; 3.6 of 1000 individuals will get divorced. Though this still seems to give credence to the idea that half of the marriages that take place in a year end in divorce, the reality is that the number of people who are divorcing has decreased during the last twenty five years.
It's likely that the number of couples who do turn to divorce because they feel as though it's just not possible to resolve their disputes have not really looked closely at all of the options that are available to them. If a couple on the brink of divorce were willing to make an effort to improve their communication with the help of relationship counseling, then divorce could possibly be averted.
It's not that couples are unable to communicate without marriage counseling so much as it's the case that many people are better able to fully express themselves when they're prompted by a marriage counselor - someone who serves in part to facilitate the conversation, in part as an objective observer and in part to help the husband and wife to work though the conflicts that they are facing.
For example, in many cases, the couple is considering divorce because they are finding that the time they have together isn't like it was before the marriage. Therapists can help the husband and the wife to talk about the ways in which they feel isolated from their partner, to discuss possibilities that could help to break down the barriers that are between them.
In many cases, these barriers include one spouse bringing too much work home from the office or simply working long hours. In many other cases, a husband and a wife who, while they were dating, saw each other only a few nights each week or who still had an evening to go out with friends outside of the relationship have trouble adapting to spending so much time with one another.
When the challenge that a couple is facing relates to the time that they have, the time they spend together and the time that they wish they had for themselves, a marriage counselor is able to work with them to uncover what they are missing and to work out ways in which they can stay together and have their needs met. Similarly, if the issue that the couple is facing has to do with money, relationship counseling can create a neutral ground where the issues can be brought up with less anxiety and frustration.
In most marriages there are struggles around money. Maybe the husband believes he needs the most up to date technology and spends extra money on the latest accessories. Maybe the wife is concerned about spending or maybe she tends to go out and spend money on things that she doesn't need because she's feeling isolated, lonely and does not know how to process it. A relationship counselor can help the couple to work out a solution, and can work with the couple to discuss both the surface issues and those that are deeper down.
Unresolved hurt is another frequent cause of divorce that family counseling can help to resolve. When the wife feels that she needs more help with the kids or when the husband feels that his needs are in some way being ignored, it's easy for resentments to build - resentments that, if left unacknowledged, could lead one or both partner to look for companionship and intimacy with someone else.
Marriage counseling, on some levels, can help couples to address their problems while they are still manageable - before the lines of communication become so shredded that there's nothing left connecting the husband and wife. It can also serve couples who are considering divorce because there has already been hurt or a breach of trust; talking it out, learning to communicate - to talk and to not only hear but also to listen - can be the first step on a path to a stronger, healthier, better relationship.
If marriage were easy, "for better or for worse" would not be included in a couple's wedding vows. However, just because there are challenges for those who are married doesn't justify throwing in the towel - at least not before you've tried to work it out. Remember that you love one another and wanted to share your lives; things may not work out, however at least you'll know you've tried your best.
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