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What Is Your Negative Self-Talk Doing To You?
Copyright (c) 2006-2012 Carol Chanel
What is your negative self-talk doing to your health? Your heart? Your soul?
According to Ron Roth, internationally recognized spiritual healer, negative self-talk punches holes in your soul and drains away your life force your positive, creative energy. That, in turn, shuts down your heart and causes poor health. It actually affects all parts of your life.
So, what are the conversations you're having in your head? Would you want your soul mate to hear them?
Is your self-talk filled with love, appreciation, respect, humility and integrity?
Or does it contain negative thoughts, criticisms, judgments, anger or disrespect?
Do you ever criticize yourself? About what? How often?
How does that impact your relationships?
People come to me as a life coach - because their lives aren't working.
And negative self-talk is a big reason why our lives don't work. Think about punching holes in your soul and draining away your positive energy.
When I'm coaching, I learn where a client criticizes and judges themselves and to what extent.
Most people who criticize themselves also criticize and judge others. And when we do that, forget about having a great relationship - with anyone, including yourself.
Client Example
One of my clients was in a job that required accuracy and perfection. Her personality was suited to that. However working in that job allowed an already bad habit - perfectionism - to increase.
If things weren't perfect, she was critical -- of herself, her friends, family and her boyfriend. Until she didn't have a boyfriend anymore.
No man likes to be criticized. I remember a male client telling me that the two things not to do to a man were: not to judge or criticize him and not to make him wrong. Women don't like it either.
Men really hate it and they will either retaliate or shut down and ultimately leave. In my client's case, the man left. She was devastated.
I had her look at how hard, even sometimes nasty, she had been to him. And she began to understand why he left.
With a lot of work on quieting her critical voice, she stopped criticizing herself, and that transferred to other people in her life. She began to talk to herself lovingly. She stopped the leaking from the holes in her soul.
When we stop our negative self-talk and we realize that other people do that to themselves, we can be compassionate. And that allows us to have more fulfilling relationships.
Why Are We Critical?
Usually we learn it at home, school or religion. If we heard it at home or through religion we will be inordinately hard on ourselves.
And again, if we are hard on ourselves, we are likely to be hard on others.
For instance what if your father insisted that you get straight A's and a B wasn't an acceptable option. And you worked to always get A's, but one quarter you got a B and you were demeaned and criticized. As a result, you will probably be incredibly hard on yourself if you don't get the top rating, pay increase or the best feedback.
As a result of how you were raised you expect yourself to be perfect. And you are unhappy unless things are perfect. That's impossible and a waste of time and energy. And it's all ego based.
The Good News
Here's the good news - if we learn a bad behavior, we can unlearn it and re-learn a good one.
One of the big things I help clients with is learning how to be different in their relationships. With everyone spouses, friends, children, bosses, employees. How to be firm yet kind, compassionate, loving and open. Most of the time the upset in the relationship involves someone getting, or feeling, judged and criticized, rejected or feeling left out.
And that makes everyone angry. And makes for disastrous relationships.
3 Steps To Change Your Self-Talk
Here's the best way to change. Cut yourself some slack. We all make mistakes. And the truth is your father or mother or grandmother isn't here telling you how stupid you are for making that mistake.
You've taken over their job. And that self-talk can get really vicious. So stop!
Step one - Notice what you tell yourself. Catch yourself when you say, "you idiot, I can't believe you just dropped that glass, or spilled the wine," or "You idiot how could you have missed that mistake in the copy. Now everyone will know you're a fraud." "Why did you send that email when you were upset? All you had to do was wait for a few hours. Now you'll never hear from him again." .
Step two - Change what you say to yourself. What would you have liked your parents to say to you when you accidentally broke something? "Are you okay?" "Don't worry we can always replace that vase?" "It's just a material item." "You are more important." "Next time you'll know to use two hands."
Practice being kind to yourself.
Step three Know that this is a life-long process. We are going to slip and judge ourselves and others. When we judge others apologize. Tell them you're sorry. Tell them you hated it when your father, or whomever it have may been, criticized you and you didn't mean to do that to them. Apologize to yourself when you judge or say something mean to or about yourself. Then change the negative self-talk to something kind and loving.
It's A Choice
What we say to others and ourselves is a choice. Think of someone you respect, maybe it's a world leader, a famous author or a spiritual figure. Think what their perspective would be on whatever you're criticizing.
For example, what would Mother Teresa say about you being angry because you failed an exam? She would probably hug you and tell you that you were loved whether you passed an exam or not.
Then from that place of love, you could quiet your mind, study and retake the test with a new perspective that you are not the result of a test score. The truth is you are a precious human being, with a pure heart and soul.
Choose a person that you know who is an evolved soul and imagine what they would say and apply it to yourself. You are changing your self-talk. The people who planted those original ideas that led to negative self-talk were wrong.
Notice. Practice. Allow the process.
And then apply that to others, and your relationships will be more loving and fulfilling, because people want to be accepted for who they are. When they make a mistake, they are usually so hard on themselves, they don't need anyone adding to their negative self-talk. They can do a great job of that on their own.
If you need to, speak your truth kindly, lovingly and firmly. Not from a critical place.
When you choose not to criticize yourself and others, you will have healthier, happier, more loving relationships.
When you stop the negative self-talk, you'll stop draining your life force and you'll be happier, more productive and fulfilled and have more energy.
You are a precious, magnificent soul. That is the truth. Breathe it in, say and hear the words: "I am a precious, magnificent soul." Then sit quietly with that truth.
(c) Carol C. Chanel, CPCC, 2004
Carol Chanel is a Certified Personal Life Coach who works with people by phone, from all over the world, to help them get UNSTUCK, have more self-confidence, feel inspired and attract romantic, healthy relationships.You can move beyond stuck to a life of freedom, love and joy.
You can contact her at:
http://www.carolchanel.com
carol@carolchanel.com
310-998-8860
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