Brain research has given us a new understanding of why children
behave the way they do. This article looks at how the brain
affects children’s behaviors when they think their parents are
angry and upset with them. It then offers suggestions to parents
on how to strengthen parenting skills so you can get your kids to
listen to you.
In a nutshell, the brain has three main parts:
1. The brain stem, which is connected to the spinal column,
deals with survival. It’s responsible for our heart rate,
blood pressure, temperature, etc.
2. You find the midbrain in the central part of your brain.
It governs our emotions; how we feel. Although people call
it the limbic system, I call this the lizard part of the
brain for reasons I will explain later.
3. The third part of the brain is located behind the forehead.
I refer to this as the thinking part of the brain. This is
where you think rationally, solve problems, find solutions,
etc.
Under normal circumstances, when a person sees something that
doesn’t look threatening, the image bypasses both the brainstem
and the limbic system, moving quickly to the front of the brain.
Here, it has the ability to make decisions about what to do next.
When people find themselves feeling afraid for their safety or
their life, the message goes directly to the lizard part of the
brain. There is no time to have a discussion about what’s going
on. No, the brain says, "danger," and they need to react
immediately! There is no thinking taking place. People, like
you and me, react one of three ways:
* Fight; we attack what ever it is that’s scaring us
* Flight, we try to avoid the situation by walking away,
looking away, or changing the subject
* Freeze, we are immobilized by fear and can’t move; like a
deer on the road watching the headlights of a car coming
closer and closer.
Children respond the same way when they become frightened by a
parent’s angry voice or response to their behavior. Because they
are in the emotional part of their brain, children are unable to
think—they’re in pure reaction mode. That’s why I call this
part, the "lizard" part of the brain.
When a child hears or sees an angry parent or adult looking at
him and/or talking to him, an immediate, unconscious thought
occurs in the brain. The child feels a sense of shame, "I’ve
done something bad", or "I’m bad". The lizard part of the brain
becomes engaged and the unconscious thought of losing the
parents’ love (and fears of abandonment), make the child feel
unsafe. When a child doesn’t feel safe, you will see the same
three behavior patterns.
* Fight: The child becomes angry and oppositional, arguing
with you. He or she may show aggressiveness and
defensiveness, not listening to you. The more a parent
scolds and raises his or her voice, the angrier and more
oppositional the child becomes. Does this sound familiar?
This is not a winning situation for either parent or child.
* Flight: Because of the feeling of shame, the child becomes
uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to react to the parent.
You might see behaviors such as, not looking at you, walking
away, and ignoring you while doing something else. Sometimes,
the child breaks down and cries or whimpers, as a means of
escape from what he or she perceives are a very uncomfortable
situation. The child does not feel safe. This is important
for parents to understand. If your child’s reaction to your
tone of voice or response is flight, the child not only does
not feel safe and will probably not tell you the truth, the
child is NOT in the thinking part of the brain; talking about
whatever happened will go no where.
* Freeze: The child looks at you with blank eyes. The body
is there, and no one is home. It’s like looking at a dear
in your headlights while driving. The deer sees you coming
and yet is paralyzed by fear to move. The same is true when
a child shuts down emotionally because he or she does not
feel safe and doesn’t know what else to do. The child cannot
discuss what happened or process it with you because he or
she is not using the thinking part of the brain.
REMEMBER:
When you become angry and/or upset at your child:
- The child feels a sense of shame
- Shame brings on fear
- Fear makes the child feel unsafe
- Fear shuts down the thinking part of the brain
- Nothing can be solved
- No one wins!
The next time you find yourself angry at your child; watch his or
her reaction and you’ll know immediately which part of the brain
is being used. If your child is in the lizard part of the brain,
you will need to help him or her shift into the thinking part
before you can have a meaningful conversation. Some suggestions
to help you do this are:
* Ask your child, "What part of your brain are you in right
now?" If the child responds by telling you the lizard part,
then ask, "What do you need to do to get to the thinking
part?" If the response is, "I don’t know," Your child has
already shifted and is thinking about what you’re saying.
"Would you like some suggestions?" usually helps. If the
answer is "yes", give a couple of ideas such as sitting down
and thinking about how he created this situation or what he
could have done differently so you wouldn’t get angry.
* Remember your child is experiencing fear, even though you
don’t think there is a reason for it. Consequently, your
child will calm down faster if your tone of voice is soft
and gentle. Look at your child directly in the eyes and say
something like, "I can see you’re upset right now and so
am I. Let’s take a time-out from each other and talk about
this later when we’re feeling better."
Respectful, responsible and fun to be around children hang out in
the thinking part of their brains. When your child doesn’t act
this way, remember the lizard part of the brain. Then, you can
help shift your child to the thinking part where you can both
talk and work out problems together. It’s a win-win for both of
you.
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