Has it happened to you yet? You make your entrance into a crowded
room, you’re dressed to kill and not only do you fail to snag
your prey, no one even looks up from their drink. Or unspeakably,
they take one look and turn away with no visible sign of
interest. This is called the no ripple effect but that’s a
serious misnomer because a non-reception like that has a powerful
effect: Your self image, confidence and outlook on life are
rippled to shreds!
If like me, you were once a commanding presence and now all those
roving eyes are on your sexually ripening daughter, join the you-
must-have-been-a-beautiful-baby, but boomer, look at you now
club.
You and I are not alone in our funk. The thousands of midlife
women I coach all express concerns about creeping invisibility in
both the personal and professional spheres of their lives.
Not long ago, the New York Times writer Daphne Merkin summed up
our dread in a soul-curdling way: “ When does it start, this
feeling that you have a week-2 weeks uppermost-before you become
irreversibly old and creepy, before you become all but
invisible,/ the sort of woman no man will ever look at again and
think ‘I want her.’”
We may not always get our prey but we have plenty of predators.
Out there lurk clever people, laughing at our fears all the way
to the bank, cashing in on our willingness to buy expensive snake
oil and undergo risky surgical procedures. While it is always a
plus to look your best (and I’m all for makeovers, fitness
regimes, color consultations and restorative getaways) there is
no substitute for the powerful antidote to invisibility that
comes from within.
Here’s the big secret: The most powerful elixir of visibility is
something you can cultivate without spending a cent. It all
begins with the truism that we are all visible – or not – in the
context of an environment. AND the most influential environment
of all is one that is actually invisible to the eye. Can you
guess what it is? It is the environment of your own thoughts. As
Deepak Chopra puts it, “ our inner space is a rich field of
silent intelligence and it exerts a powerful influence on us.”
The good news is that it is perfectly within your control to make
sure that your “inner space” (that is the environment of your own
self talk and belief systems) is one that helps you evolve into
visibility rather than fade into extinction.
Limiting thoughts or beliefs, such as “I will become old, creepy
and increasingly invisible” are roadblocks that function as
barriers to anything good happening. Other thoughts, such as
“Life is no longer what is once was but it is certainly not yet
all it can be” are like lightening rods attracting ebullient
people and exciting events.
But what if you’ve suffered one time too many from the no ripple
effect and just now you’ve lost your faith in your own magnetic
powers to engage and attract? There are many techniques to
upgrade your visibility, but one of the most fun is the Art of
Seeming.
The Art of Seeming gives us permission to play the part of the
person we’d like to become just before we really become her.
Seeming allows us to transition from our unacknowledged, no
ripple self to the woman who makes visible waves.
Here’s how the Art of Seeming recently worked its magic for me.
My last vacation took me to a sunny island south of the border
where I impulsively joined some young women (including my
daughter) for some salsa lessons with a suave and sexy
instructor. All of the others were as many years younger as they
were pounds lighter than I and none of them seemed to be having
my difficulties with the seductive undulations of rib cage and
pelvis. Sure enough, my self-deprecating sound track switches on
- you know the one that tells me how pitiful I am and berates me
for even trying this stuff. The more I mercilessly put myself
down, the more I am seized up with physical tension and the less
my body parts show any sign of loosening up in this lifetime.
I am about to run away, humiliated and defeated when I remember
the Art of Seeming. In a flash, I am no longer a flustered
midlifer. I am instead a well known retired dancer from another
country. Far from bored or exasperated, the instructor is honored
to have me spend my time learning his native dance. He
understands that it takes a little while for me to relax the more
classic technique in which I have excelled. He is honored that I
am making the effort.
My mood, concentration and dancing improve instantly. I move and
groove with presence and pleasure to that 1,2,3, beat with none
other than the instructor himself as my cavalier.
The Art of Seeming is one of many Be Visible/Stay Visible
techniques guaranteed to transform you from fading flower to
infectiously joyous vision. You will not only get the attention
you deserve, you will enjoy every minute of it.
Here are a few more tips all of which we practice in my popular
Be Visible, Stay Visible workshops.
1. Show up Fully – There’s no better visibility tonic that
really showing up fully as yourself in the present moment.
Regrets about the past, worries about the future make us
absent in spirit. Anchor yourself in something sensual –
a sight, a fragrance, a sound to help you be here now.
2. Choose a color – We all have a color that shows us off to
our best advantage. Make sure that anything near your face
has shades of that color. Keep a supply of accessories such
as scarves, necklaces, earrings, hats, handbags in the color
that lights you up and keep you in focus.
3. Set Your Boundaries – Objects without boundaries are
invisible in nature and the same is true for people. Draw
clear lines around your personal time and space. Calmly let
people know when they are crossing your boundaries and most
of all, learn to say no.
4. Be Attractive to Yourself – Visibility don’t mean a thing if
you don’t like yourself. Learn to see yourself clearly, to
accept all parts of yourself, to make the most of even (or
especially) your flaws and quirks.
5. Upgrade your Visible Environment – We are all visible-or
not- in a context. Design the lighting, ventilation, décor,
and electronic equipment of your home and office to help you
look and function your best.
6. Choose the Right People – We all need to be around people who
both charge our batteries and allow us to disappear when we
need to. Choose people who energize, illuminate and let your
light shine.
7. Be Aware of Your Thoughts - Learn to free yourself from from
any thoughts that are noxious to your visibility and general
well-being. Replace self-doubt with a scenario that makes
you who you want to be (the Art of Seeming) and use your
imagination as a bridge to span the gap.
8. See What’s Unique About Others – One of the best ways to be
seen by others is to let them know that you are really seeing
them. Take the time to listen and to observe, to respond in
a deeply personal way and you will stand out in a crowd.
9. Find a Passionate Purpose – Visibility for its own sake is
tedious and shallow. When you have a cause or vision that’s
beyond narcissism, your visibility will increase effortlessly
as a result.
10. Be a Connector– If everyone in your network knows one
another, venture into a different world. Meet new people
and then start introducing folks from various circles. The
Connector plays a highly visible and much appreciated role
in a highly competitive world.
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