As a relationship coach, I am often asked by women why their
partners cheated on them or why their men won't set a
wedding date. "After all", they tell me, "we're in a committed
relationship". Maybe you've been there. In every case I ask
these women, "what do you call a committed relationship?"
To most women, commitment looks like this: you date, you
become exclusive, you have sex. Therefore you are in a
committed relationship, right?
Actually, even if you are committed, your partner is probably
not. Assuming that if you're committed then your partner is
committed is probably the main cause of dating problems
today.
A COMMITTED PARTNER IS NOT THE SAME AS A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
Remember, there's a big difference between being
committed, and being in a committed relationship. It takes
two people to have a relationship. And it takes two people,
both of whom are committed, to have a committed
relationship.
What, then, is the definition of commitment? A good model
already exists. It is the marriage vows most couples recite
during weddings. "For better and worse, in sickness and in
health, etc." Total commitment means that you'll stay in the
relationship no matter what comes along.
Realistically, few of us really are willing to commit totally.
Total commitment would mean staying even through physical
abuse, severe mental disorders, or chronic infidelity.
Therefore, most of us define commitment as staying in a
relationship unless something extreme happens. Each of us
has his/her own definition of extreme, but the intention
is to have a permanent relationship.
MAYBE YOU ARE IN A PRECOMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
You've been dating exclusively and have had sex. You
consider yourself committed, but you're not sure about him.
He never says words of commitment, he doesn't offer a ring
and a wedding date, and he never talks about your future
together.
According to many of us relationship coaches, your man is
probably in the pre-commitment stage. If either one of you is
in the relationship until someone better comes along, you are
in a pre-committed relationship.
In the pre-commitment stage, your partner can be faithful, he
can act like the two of you are a couple, he can even tell you
he loves you. But, if he won't verbalize his desire for a
permanent relationship and isn't willing to "go public" with
that desire, then he's just pre-committed. And pre-committed
means that you're number one in his life-until someone
better comes along.
It may be discouraging to hear, but you're wasting your time
planning for your future together unless there's clear evidence
of commitment by both partners. Committed relationships
can't exist unless and until both people commit.
|
