In survey after survey, interpersonal communication skills are 
consistently ranked at or near the top of a list of skills 
necessary for career success.  People who possess these skills 
enjoy a richer personal life, better relationships at work and 
more productive interactions with those around them.  Teams with 
members who excel at these skills are more productive and more 
cohesive. No one is born with these "people skills." They are 
the result of attention and practice.  Here are five guaranteed 
ways to hone your people skills.


1. Recognize differences in people and be ready to adapt. 
Because we think of ourselves at operating within a norm, we 
tend to see people who act and communicate differently from us 
as deviating from the norm.  As a result, we believe that one 
communication style (ours) should fit all.  Overcome this 
limiting mindset by recognizing differences in preferences  
and motivations among people.

If it's all about communicating you say, why do we need all the 
distinctions?  You don't use a rolling pin to chop vegetables 
and you don't use a chef's knife to roll out bread dough, even 
though it's all cooking. You have to choose the right tool for 
the right job.

For example, a fundamental principle of adult learning theory 
is that we have different preferences for acquiring knowledge. 
Depending on those preferences, we'll be more effective in 
communicating our message when we learn whether to emphasize 
visual, verbal or tactile approaches.

People also have different motivations.  Anne may be motivated 
by the promise of a salary increase while David strives for peer 
recognition. Discovering and applying the right motivation will 
help you get the cooperation you need from others.


2. Learn to listen well.  When people compliment someone on 
being a great communicator,  they often mean that the person is 
a good listener. Although most of us will have had at least one, 
if not several courses on reading, writing and speaking during 
our years of formal education, have you ever taken a listening 
course? We spend more time listening than in any other 
communication activity. In fact, given how much time we spend 
listening, it's neglect is surprising. 

A major problem with listening occurs when we approach an 
interaction with different goals.  I may be listening to gather 
information and solve a problem while  my partner wants me to 
listen so that I empathize with his or her feelings.  If I'm 
focused on generating solutions when my partner is looking for 
support, I'll be perceived to be "not listening" or unsympathetic
to my partner's point of view.

Sometimes, what you see as a simple yes or no question designed 
to elicit information will be interpreted as a criticism of the 
other person.  Don't become frustrated when your question is met 
with more information than you expected.  It's probably designed 
to establish a context for the answer and explain the behavior 
that your partner thought you criticized.  

To improve your listening skills, you'll need to develop genuine 
interest in your partner. Demonstrate your interest by seizing 
opportunities to ask questions. Search for common ground and be 
open to the possibility that you'll learn something new. There 
is a wise old saying that we were born with two ears but only 
one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we talk.


3. Realize that communication is more than just the words we 
use.  We take communication for granted because we do it so 
frequently, but it's actually a complex process. While we are 
all wired with the same hardware (brain), the software 
(interpretive framework) varies tremendously among individuals. 
This means that given the same input (behaviors or words), we 
will reach different conclusions based on how we process that 
data.  There are three aspects involved: 1) What you mean to say,
2) How you code this thought into language that gets verbalized 
and 3) How people interpret what you say. Consequently, there 
is often a tremendous difference between what you say and what 
someone hears.  

Meant: "I know this is a big project, so I should chip in and 
pull my weight."
Said: "I'd like to offer my help on the project."
Heard: "You're not doing this right, so I'd better become 
involved."

Meant: "I'm very busy with all the projects I've been assigned."
Said: "I'll get to your task as soon as I can."  
Heard: "Your task isn't as important to me as the other things 
I'm doing."   

Be sensitive to the non-verbal clues of your partner and explain 
statements that seem puzzling or critical. 


4. Learn to manage conflict rather than avoid it.  We often 
think of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.  
However, conflict is a natural part of human interaction. 
Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict, important information 
isn't communicated. Avoidance is only one strategy among many.  
When an issue is very important to someone else, but of little 
consequence to you, consider accommodating the person.  

Managed properly, conflict can actually be beneficial.  For 
example, conflict provides a method to weed out faulty 
assumptions and premises. Make a clear distinction between a 
conflict with a person and that person's ideas.  Show respect 
for the person even when you disagree with the ideas.  Learn 
to manage conflict with the appropriate strategy rather than 
simply to avoid it.  


5. Be known for positive rather than negative interactions.  
This doesn't mean you have to be an optimist on steroids. An 
over-the-top optimist never recognizes a problem exists.  A 
pessimist never realizes a solution exists. When you 
consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you'll become 
known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer.  People 
avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.

A great way to demonstrate a positive outlook is in your 
language.  When someone thanks you, do you ever respond with 
the phrase "No problem" or "Not a problem" ?  If so, you are 
marking the interaction by two negative words.  Turn those 
negatives into positives by responding "I'm glad to help" or 
"It was my pleasure."    


Developing excellent interpersonal skills requires recognition of 
differences, listening, an awareness of the different aspects of 
communication, strategies for managing conflict and an optimistic 
outlook.  People who choose to improve their interpersonal skills 
can do so. Remember, an individual's interpersonal style is not 
just "who he or she is."  It is who he or she chooses to be.