Even though divorce rates in the U.S. have been steady the last
few years, there are still a lot of couples getting divorced
every year. Approximately one out of two married couples will end
up in divorce court. And yet, marriage is still the ideal for
most men and women. A recent survey of twenty-somethings
indicated that 94% of these young men and women wanted to get
married someday.
Most people go into a marriage with good intentions. They expect
the marriage to last a lifetime, even though the odds for that
are pretty grim. It's becoming increasingly common for people to
have two or three marriages in their lifetimes. This means, of
course, that they will have had two or three divorces as well.
So, the question for today is: can there be such a thing as a
good divorce after a bad marriage?
There was an interesting study on unhappy married couples. These
were couples considering divorce, but decided to stick it out for
a while. The study found that within three years, most of the
unhappy couples were now happy. They were glad they were still
married and no longer wanted divorces. The conclusion was that
unhappiness in marriage is fairly common, but it is temporary.
The bad times don't last.
There was another surprising discovery in the study. The
researchers found that the couples who did divorce were no
happier than the unhappy married couples. In other words, divorce
solved nothing. And when the divorced couples did remarry, they
were no happier-and, therefore, no better off-than were the
couples who had stayed married. The lesson from all this seems to
be: marital unhappiness doesn't last and is not a reason to get
divorced. In the long run, couples have their ups and downs, but
the downs seem to be temporary. The marriage can be permanent and
happy.
Still, there are marriages where conditions are bad and the
differences irreconcilable. Abuse, abandonment, substance abuse,
and infidelity are all situations where severe damage has been
done to the relationship. All marriages cannot be made loving and
happy again. Sometimes, divorce is justified. Sometimes, one or
both partners ARE better off after the divorce.
So how do you turn a bad marriage into a good divorce?
First, acknowledge that you may still love your partner, but that
your life will be better if you live your own life away from your
partner. However, you can't live your own life if you are focused
on ruining his. To have a good divorce, separate physically and
emotionally. Get over it and move on. The time and effort you
spend on revenge or hatred is time wasted out of your own life.
Next, you may be getting a divorce but your children aren't. They
still have two parents. Forcing your children to take sides is
using your children for your own selfish ego. Let your children
grow up with two parents. Again, the time you spend trying to be
the right parent, the good parent, is time better spent working
on this new chapter in your life.
The relationship you have with your future ex during the divorce
can make all the difference to the ease of the entire process.
Accept responsibility for your part in the break-up and don't
throw insults and accusations back in your ex's face. Your ex is
not necessarily a bad person. He's just not right for you. And,
to keep your perspective ember, you're not right for him.
During the divorce process and afterward when you're single
again, avoid going to family functions or social gatherings
together. You are a single person once again. You have no social
obligations to your ex. Socializing as a couple will only confuse
the kids, give false hope to the families and muddle your own
feelings. No convenience sex (ex sex).
You are truly your own person now. Make the most of it. Don't
waste your new life looking backward. Look forward with gratitude
at the opportunities that await you as you begin this new chapter
in your life.
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