The statistics on relationships are depressing: in California
alone, the average marriage lasts just 5 years. Nationwide, 43%
of marriages end within 15 years. Second and third marriages end
in divorce 60-70% of the time. Clearly, how we handle our
relationships is not working. And yet, 94% of young adults in one
study said that having a good marriage is extremely important to
them. So, what can you do?
We researched much of current the literature on relationships and
have condensed the results into just a few key concepts. These
principles seem to be the common denominators in happy,
successful marriages. See how many you can identify in your
relationship.
1. It Starts With You.
To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you are as happy as you make up
your mind to be. Research has shown that happiness is a state of
being, not of having or doing or achieving. Nor is happiness a
destination. People often say, "I just want to be happy" or "I
just want to have a happy marriage" as if that is a future goal
or place in time. The problem is, they never get there. That's
because the future is... in the future. And the only true
destination is your final day on earth. And then it's too late.
So make the decision to be happier starting today.
There's a relationship benefit as well. The happier you are with
yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your
partner. Another way to look at this is: if you were someone
else, would you marry you? Start today to work on being the kind
of person you would want to know, to date, and to marry. If
you're not that kind of person now, how can you expect your
spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?
2. There's You, There's Him/Her, And Then There's "We".
You don't have to give up your identity or be known solely as
your spouse's partner.
It also doesn't work when two people each do their own thing
without regard to their partner's wishes and feelings. Marriage
is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows
state, "two shall be as one". That "one" is neither you nor him.
The "one" is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the
"we".
The "we" is what you share, what you have in common, the support
and nurturing that you cannot give yourself. Think companionship,
intimacy, and sharing.
3. You Leave Behind Your Emotional Baggage.
Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you can't
fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are still Daddy's
little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in control of your own
life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter into an adult
relationship of mutual sharing and support. You can't be
accountable to your spouse if you still have to please Mommy or
Daddy.
You can't reach new heights as a person as long as you're
dragging around your emotional suitcases. And, it's not fair to
your partner. If you're dating but not in a committed
relationship right now, consider a time out while you unpack
those bags and resolve those issues that keep you from being your
own man or woman. If you are committed, a relationship coach can
help you stow your baggage so you can be there completely for
your partner.
4. The Marriage Comes First.
Marriage is supposed to be the strongest bond between two people.
Parents come and go; children grow and leave. Your spouse is only
person to stay with you the rest of your time on this planet.
Women who say their children come first, usually can never let
the children grow up and become independent adults because then
the primary relationship in these women's lives would end. So the
children never emotionally leave home and are forever dependent
on the parent. This delights the women because they are not
willing to have their children grow up emotionally and become
independent adults.
Women who say their children come first also seem so surprised
when their mates eventually decide to leave for someone else who
WILL put them first. And finally, when children are the center of
a women's life, and the children eventually leave, the woman
typically feels lost. Her reason for existing the last 18-22
years has just moved out. And if she should turn to her partner
after a 20 year emotional abscense, it's like going to your high
school reunion. You used to know them but its not the same now
because they've changed.
When partners put the marriage first, friends, relatives, and
acquaintences are still important but they're not primary. The
man and woman, as the principals in the relationship, are the
combined heads of their household. As such they look to eath
other-and no one else-for their primary comfort and support.
5. Your Marriage Is Your Top Priority.
You didn't get married to commute two hours a day, work at the
office 60 hours a week, and pay on a mortgage for 30 years, did
you? You probably got married to share your life-not your bills-
with that special someone. During life's ups and especially
during life's downs, keep in mind why you married in the first
place. It wasn't so you could get a better job, buy a better car,
or obsess over your favorite sports team. Once upon a time, your
partner was the most important thing in this world to you. If you
value your relationship, he or she still is. Start acting like it
again today and every day.
6. Don't Compare.
This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage. There
will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier,
and more perfect than you two are. So what? Their happiness
doesn't increase or diminish your happiness. Neither does their
money, their jobs, their house, or their prettiness. All that
matters is whether you and your spouse have created a
relationship that works for you.
7. Don't Wonder "What If?"
Wondering what it would be like to be with another person-for a
night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is really unfair to
your spouse. You see other people socially when they are at their
best. You see your spouse when he/she is at his best, her
average, and sometimes at her worst. If you could swap mates,
guess what? You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you
probably wouldn't like what you see. You already have a lot
invested in your partner. Take care of that investment. The
payoff is usally greater than starting all over again.
8. Realize That Love Can Grow.
As much as you were in love when you got married, your love and
commitment to each other can grow over the years. Despite all the
old married jokes and cliches, marriage can get better, not
worse, with time. The longer you've been married, the more
history you have together.The triumphs and disappointments, the
successes and the failures, all are part of sharing a life
together. And that history is unique to you. No one else has that
or can duplicate it. This is why a man who leaves his middle aged
wife for a younger woman eventually wants to come back. With his
wife he has a history-a shared past. With the new woman there is
only the present. Leaving his wife permanently is like leaving
himself behind as well. Since she is a part of his past, she is
the best person to be a part of his future.
9. Commitment Means "No Matter What".
It's as simple as making the decision to be totally committed to
your spouse and to the relationship. No matter what happens:
financially, health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once the
two of you have decided to stay "no matter what", there is no
question of stay or go, yes or no.
Write this down: "ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ISSUES". Happy
relationships always have issues. Unhappy relationships certainly
have issues. It's just that in happy relationships, the couples
identify the issues, negotiate the issues, and come to terms with
the issues. Couples in unhappy relationships deny, ignore, put
up, or run away.
Once the two of you have made the decision "no matter what" the
emphasis is on the we. And, since we is not you and not him, the
only positions "we" have are the ones you've decided together. In
short, all problems are negotiable because there are no his
problems or her problems. When one partner has a problem, just
having the problem should be a problem for the other partner.
Therefore, all problems are shared problems. Their problems
require their solutions.
10. Believe That A Happy Marriage Is Not Only Possible, It's
Yours For The Making.
It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and
practice. But the many couples who have happy, blissful, and
satisfying marriages are proof that it is possible. Just choose
to be happy, and choose to be happily married.
Yes, you'll still have to work at it. But the rewards are so much
greater than the effort. Besdies, being single and looking takes
effort; being divorced and looking again takes effort. Spend the
effort inside your marriage and stay married. Happily married.
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