Part of our evolutionary process is learning how to communicate
more effectively and efficiently. Few of us have had much
training in the matter, and most of us have experienced the
consequences of communication breakdowns. We all know what
doesn't work, and how badly it feels to be unheard and
misunderstood.

I learned how to speak from a man who didn't know how to listen.
I once worked for a CEO who had no space or time for my emotions
or conversational process—so I wrote an article called "Who's
Listening?" for a newsletter I created every month. Since I had
been so thrown off guard by his apparent disinterest in the
"whole" me, I was led to question what it was about my own
communication style that made it hard for us to talk.

These are the questions I asked myself and ultimately included
in the article. I hope they help.

1. Are you being negative? Nobody enjoys being in the presence
of negative energy. Try listening to yourself as you speak. Pay
attention to your tone of voice. If you are whining, stop it. If
you are being cynical or complaining, stop it. For one week, try
turning your complaints into requests and see if you notice a
difference in how your ideas are received.

2. Do you share opinions, but not your inner self? When's the
last time you were in the presence of a powerful speaker? What
do you remember about what the speaker said?  Chances are,
whoever was talking was sharing some personal story,
illustrating a point with an anecdote. Listeners get enrolled in
a conversation when the speaker actually shares something
meaningful about his or her life. Rich communication never
occurs by accident. It takes intention and attention. Think of
the most engaging conversationalist you know. Next time you hear
that person, listen for how much of themselves they really
share. Try sharing something personal next time you're in a
conversation with someone who's important to your life. Trust
them enough to admit a fear of yours, to tell a story from your
childhood, or to share a vision you have for the future. We are
all waiting to have these conversations, but no one wants to go
first. Try going first.

3. Are you planning what you want to say while others speak,
instead of listening? This one always backfires. It's a dead
giveaway. People know when you're doing it because your
responses to their speaking are usually inappropriate, and
communication breaks down rapidly. No one listens back to
someone who hasn't listened to them. Instead of spouting off
your opinions immediately after a person has spoken, ask them
something about what they just said. Pay attention to their
speaking and they will pay more attention to yours.

4. Do you live up to your word?  Did you ever know someone who
was always going to do this and always promising to do that and
never came through?  Did you stop listening to that person after
awhile? The world is full of dreamers and planners, but it's
people's actions, not their dreams, that inspire us. Open up and
share something you've accomplished that you're proud of. If you
have something you want to accomplish, ask for support. People
will not take us seriously if they see we do not take our own
words and commitments seriously.

5. Have you created an environment for listening?  It is not
easy to listen to someone in a room where TV's and radios are in
competition with humans. If real communication is important to
you, try turning off the tube and finding a commercial-free FM
station that plays music conducive to conversation. Classical
music stimulates the alpha waves in our brains, and keep our
creative juices flowing.                       

6. Do you speak as a victim of circumstances or as a creator of
possibilities? People who speak as if the world were out to get
them have a difficult time finding listeners. No one wants to
get pulled into the emotional quicksand that a "victim" seems to
be buried in. Consider how you respond as a listener to other
people's tales of woe? Do you tire quickly in that context? Do
you get depressed and feel burdened? Energy is contagious. If
you speak as the one who's designing your life, rather than as a
victim of other peoples' actions, you will empower yourself and
others.

7. Does your listener know the value of your relationship with
her or him? Establishing a background of trust and relatedness
is critical to communication. The better sense a person has of
you and of your commitment to the relationship, the more open
will they be to your speaking. If what needs to be communicated
is difficult or risky, it often helps to begin by stating what's
at stake for you and how important honesty is to the
relationship.

8. Do you inquire about what may be important to your listener
or do you mostly talk about yourself? One way to ensure that
your listener is with you is to include her or his interests in
your conversation.  The next time you have coffee with your
neighbor or sit next to your co-worker in the cafeteria,
initiate a conversation about something you know that person is
interested in. If she's a ski enthusiast, ask her about her
favorite places to ski.  If he's into computer games, strike up
a conversation about an article you read on the subject. People
listen up and open up when you show a genuine regard for
something they're interested in.  

9. If people listened to you like you listen to others, would
you be satisfied? Most of us have a person in our life who plays
the role of listener when we really need to talk about
something. If you have such a person, consider what particular
skills this person has at listening. Why did you pick her or him
as your sounding board? What is it that makes you trust them?
What body language do they exhibit when you speak that lets you
know they're with you? Is it helpful to have people give you
advice when you share something difficult, or would you prefer
they just listen and let you sort things out in their presence?
Can you be present to someone's pain without trying to solve all
their problems? Observe how you listen the next time someone
shares something difficult and see if you can refrain from
offering advice and platitudes.

10. Are you complaining to the wrong people? It doesn't help
anyone to complain to people who have no power to change things.
If something is wrong, find out who's in charge and take your
concern to the right person.  

JAN PHILLIPS is a principal with 9th Element Group, 
a master communicator, thought leader, keynote speaker 
and award-winning author who is currently writing 
The Art of Original Thinking: The Making of a Thought Leader 
(9th Element Press). Jan describes the steps to becoming a 
Thought Leader and discusses the impact of Thought Leaders in 
their workplaces, communities and organizations. More info at:
http://www.9thelementgroup.com/original_think.php?id=67