Imagine placing two flat screen plasma TV's side by side in your
living room smack dab in front of your couch. You've got beer,
snacks a-plenty and fresh batteries in your clicker.
One TV has an NFL game on and the other has a Major League
Baseball game and they both start at the same time.
Besides this being many sports fans' idea of hog heaven and even
better than clicking back and forth between games with only one
TV, it's fun to watch the differences between these two pro
sports. Watching the NFL on TV is a weekly ritual; baseball is on
every night of the week, but watching the two combined is almost
as rewarding as joining a Cowboy cheerleader snuggle-fest.
And that's exactly what I did recently (not the snuggle-fest, but
the two TV's thing). Here's what happened:
The football game started with a massive kick to the opposing
team, and a line of 250-pound plus men with murder in their eyes
started charging after the poor slob who caught the ball. After a
few seconds he was crushed by his pursuers, becoming the bottom
man in a very scary adult male pig-pile. MLB players tend to be a
little mellower and less physical, but all pro players in any
sport need to be strong. Football players take steroids, baseball
players get caught.
Meanwhile, the MLB game started off a little less exciting. My
heart rate and pulse began to slow down as I watched the catcher
and pitcher play catch as the batter just stood there spitting
and adjusting his crotch. I got quickly bored and turned back to
the NFL game.
In a matter of a three minute span two men had been injured, with
one having his ankle relocated to his armpit. A touchdown was
scored, the ball changed hands twice, and a whole lot of
tackling, smashing, crunching and finger-breaking happened.
Football is more of an immediate gratification, ADD-friendly game
to watch.
I glanced back at the MLB game for a couple of minutes. Two
strikeouts and four fly outs came and went and we were already in
the second inning, with little action to show for it. A baseball
game is more of a wise-old-man kind of sport, where patience and
number-crunching are paramount. It reveres serenity.
Football reveres mayhem. Watching football gets me angry and all
charged up. Watching baseball makes me sleepy. In fact, I usually
like to watch the first two or three innings, fall asleep, and
then wake up to catch the last few innings. Watching football
players hit each other full force and light each other up is
exciting, and dozing is out of the question. Watching one grown
man with ball in glove chase another grown man to tag him in a
pickle is kind of funny.
As 10,000 commercials played on the football TV, I had a few
minutes to catch up on my MLB game. Finally, in the bottom of the
third, a man hit the ball and dropped it in the right field gap
for a single. All the baseball players, including the guy running
up to first base, seemed quite pleasant. Why not be? They were
playing in a nice park, on a nice warm and sunny day and no one
had even broken a sweat yet. The batter reached first base and
started chatting with the opposing team's first baseman. They
started smiling and having a great time with each other. My lip-
reading skills are not what they used to be but I think I saw one
say to the other, "Hi Johnny! How's the wife doing? It's been a
while since we saw her. We've got to get together sometime soon."
Growing restless, I turned back to the NFL game just in time to
see one man standing over a writhing and groaning man on the
turf. I think I saw his lips yelling, "Hey Bruno, while we were
having breakfast together this morning, your wife told me to
tackle you into next Tuesday, did I do a good job?"
In the very next play a running back was nailed in a bone-
splitting tackle. Indeed, his bone did split, and then protruded
right out of his bloody skin causing a wave of nausea to spread
over the crowd.
Fascinated but horrified, I quickly turned to the baseball game
and witnessed a wild pitch hit the batter on the finger. The
batter yelped and had to sit the rest of the game out, his pinky
was smarting.
To replace the bone-sticking-out-of-his-leg guy in the NFL game,
a bulky player with flowing dreadlocks sticking out of his helmet
started lumbering onto the field. He had a huge cast on his arm
that looked like a big club. With the hand totally encased,
forming a big bulbous weapon, he shook it as his opponents in
defiance while possibly struggling to stick one particular finger
up, and then reluctantly joined the huddle.
It was nearing the halftime and so many timeouts had been called
that they seemed to have run out of commercials to play. So the
cameras started scanning the crowd. It was a lot colder where
this game was being held, and I could see people's breath. I also
saw a guy in shorts and no shirt who had painted his skin from
head to toe in his NFL team's colors. His head was shaved and
also painted, and he was wearing a big pig's nose on his face.
As I briefly scanned the crowd on the other TV, I saw lots of
people in button down, short sleeve shirts, baseball caps and
gloves on, waiting expectantly for that ever-elusive foul ball.
The first half started to wind down in the NFL game, and I
actively awaited gratuitous shots of hot cheerleaders. I was
rewarded with lots of silly pompom waving and cleavage. I then
happily turned back to the MLB game but only saw three heavy-set
women shoving sausage dogs and peanuts in their mouths.
At halftime I got a chance to go to the bathroom and grab another
cold beer and more snacks. There is never a big break in
baseball, and every time I go to the bathroom while watching
baseball I always miss the big play, which of course happened
this time too.
My MLB game continued to plod along when I got back, inducing the
unique ball-strike-out hypnotic state that only baseball can
cause. I was about to doze off when I was jarred out of my trance
by the flashy touchdown dance I saw on my other TV. The guy who
just scored was moonwalking across the uprights while flapping
his arms like wings. He then proceeded to do a magnificent swan
dive which turned into a double summersault with a twist and
finally landed perfectly on the field.
I then quickly caught the replay of the big baseball play I had
just missed. Someone hit a grand slam, rounded the bases and was
greeted by a big, warm, bouncing-in-unison group hug.
After a while, both games ended and I had experienced a full
range of emotions. Both games are great to watch and if you can
get past the roller coaster ride of stimulation, watching
football and baseball simultaneously is a blast. I decided to
keep both plasma TV's in front of the couch permanently
Finally, no football vs. baseball article could be complete
without mentioning one of the masters of comedy and this subject,
George Carlin. Here's a quote from Carlin's famous monologue that
inspired this article:
"And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely
different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the
field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling
the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in
spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short
bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy
territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground
attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's
defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be
safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!"
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