Some conversations are so difficult that we do anything to avoid 
them. Then, when things have really built up, we finally have no 
choice but to confront the issue, and the person.

"We need to talk," usually precedes an argument rather than a 
conversation. Why are such conversations difficult? Because we 
are stuck between knowing what we really feel and knowing what 
we shouldn't say.

Genetically, we humans are hard-wired for flight or fight. When 
emotions are triggered we have physiological reactions for 
aggression and/or avoidance. It is actually against our nature 
to sit down and talk it over. So how would we know how to do 
this?

What if there were a map to follow when you had to have a 
difficult conversation? What if you could untangle the 
complexities of difficult conversations and break them down 
to basic components? It would make it easier to say what 
needs to be said, and still preserve the relationship.

Fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project has 
produced some interesting information about what goes on during 
conflict. The book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What 
Matters Most, is written by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila 
Heen and Roger Fisher (Penguin Books, 2000). Given that in life 
we prepare ourselves extensively for almost everything including 
our educations and careers, it is surprising that we haven't 
studied conversations more.  

All difficult conversations share a common structure. To see the 
structure, we need to understand what is being said, and also 
what is not being said. We need to see what both participants 
are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other. This 
involves tuning into three underlying conversations at the 
same time:

1. The "What Happened?" conversation. 

2. The "Feelings" conversation. 

3. The "Identity" conversation. 

Every conversation involves grappling with these three 
components. Managing all three simultaneously may seem daunting, 
but it's easier to do than facing the consequences of engaging 
in conversations blindly.

What You Can Change, What You Can't

No matter how much we prepare we can still get tangled up in 
conversations where what happened is more complicated than 
initially presumed. We will have information the other person 
is unaware of and there may be things we can't share. We will 
face emotionally charged situations that feel threatening 
because they put important aspects of our identity at risk. 

In these cases, look at what we can change instead of what we 
can't. We can change the way we respond to these challenges.

Sometimes a third party can help facilitate difficult 
conversations. Talking it through with your personal coach 
can help you decipher the underlying components of a difficult 
conversation. Your coach can help you examine your assumptions, 
your emotions and your personal identity. You can have difficult 
conversations in a way that improves relationships instead of 
risking hurt feelings. 

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Reader Survey:

What is the biggest challenge you have encountered when having 
difficult conversations?

What has helped you the most?

Email: mailto:patsi@customizednewsletters.com

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The full 1,000 word article covers these concepts:

Why some conversations are so difficult
Fight, flight or talk?
Mapping underlying structures
Three components of every conversation
Thinking, feeling, personal stakes
Personal identity issues
Five steps to consider
What you can change, what you can't
How your coach can help