Every morning, six-year-old Josh and his mom clash at breakfast 
just as Mom is ready to walk out the door. A daydreamer by 
nature, Josh moves through life at a slower pace than his 
task-oriented mom who values organization. Their distinct ways 
of relating to the world reveal their obviously different 
personal styles.

A "personal style" is a natural predisposition toward time, 
stress, people, tasks, and situations. Understanding a child's 
style enables parents, caregivers, and teachers to interact more 
effectively and get results. Researcher, Terry Anderson, Ph.D. 
notes four style categories: behavioral, cognitive, 
interpersonal, and affective. 

When parents can communicate and interact in ways that fit their 
children's unique styles, there is harmony in the home. Both 
parents and children develop confidence and self-esteem.


A Constant Through Life

Personal style is only one of six factors that make up 
personality; it's a foundation for one's preferences, reactions, 
and values. It remains a constant throughout life. The chart 
below provides an easy way to "picture" the differences in the 
four styles, followed by brief descriptions and suggestions for 
interacting with your children.
 

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Style Name     Preference for..  Limited with..    Best Learns.. 

1. 
Behavioral     Tasks\things      People\social     Independently
2. 
Cognitive      Data\information  Tasks\things      Visually
3. 
Interpersonal  People\social     Ideas\creativity  Aurally
4. 
Affective      Ideas\creativity  Data\numbers      Experientially


Source: Robinson, Everett, T. Why Aren't You More Like Me? Styles
& Skills for Leading and Living with Credibility. Seattle: 
Consulting Resource Group International, Inc. 1997. p. 30
_________________________________________________________________


1. Behavioral Style 

Behavioral children need freedom and self-expression; they enjoy 
structure but not controls. They prefer to learn by themselves 
rather in a group. They look to real-life examples rather than 
abstract thinking or discussions. Rising to their challenges 
as problem-solvers, they're often bold, willful, productive, 
competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. They like to be 
leaders and recognized for their achievements. When they feel a 
parent's incongruence, they question authority. These children 
rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead, they set 
goals and take the necessary actions to reach them. 

Parenting communications for Behavioral-style children: These 
children need a no-blame, non-emotional approach. Be fair, open, 
logical, honest, and direct. To get tasks done, give them the 
task, state the benefit or reward, and ask them when and how 
they can do it. Don't stand over them or try to direct their 
activities. Instead, set the structure for this child, and 
expect it to be done without having to explain the 'why' of 
it. If you're an emotional or touchy-feely parent, don't take 
it personally if this child doesn't respond in kind. 


2. Cognitive Style

Cognitive-oriented children need affirmation and understanding. 
They take instruction well, admiring expertise and knowledge. 
Yet they are deep thinkers, and like to examine issues and 
relationships. Respectful of others, they appreciate respect 
in return. They value intimacy and good relationships. They 
work well with data, are organized, and can be perfectionists. 
Because their talents lie in numbers and mathematics, they 
often spend hours at their computers. 

Parenting communications for Cognitive-style children: 

Heart-to-heart appreciation and respect work best. State facts 
calmly ("you didn't clean your room today") rather than argue 
or make generalities ("you never clean your room."). Because 
cognitive children prefer not to compete and might not respond 
to rewards or games, lay out activities and then provide time and 
freedom for children to complete them. Make only constructive 
suggestions. As perfectionists, they'll criticize themselves 
enough without a parent's help. 


3. Interpersonal Style

Interpersonal-style children need appreciation and trust. 
Highly perceptive, they require honesty in communication and 
relationships. They are the peacemakers in your family, and will 
worry about you if there are arguments or illnesses. Sometimes 
shy, they like to feel included in the family. They value secure 
relationships and stable environments, and don't fare well with 
transitions unless prepared beforehand. These children feel 
disharmony deeply and might internalize it. They're often 
employed in service businesses because they are people-focused. 

Parenting communications for Interpersonal-style children: 

Friendly conversations and clear communications that don't 
threaten or punish are advised. They listen well. Model behavior 
for them, as they'll hear and watch you. Solve problems together,
each contributing to the solution. Present tasks so that success 
can be measured easily before progressing to graduated stages of 
difficulty. Don't present the hardest problem first; or children 
may feel overwhelmed and won't finish it. Appreciate these 
children often, and they will feel great about themselves. 


4. Affective Style

Like Josh, these children are highly creative and artistic; 
later in life, they're called visionaries or dreamers. They need 
to feel through things before making decisions. They easily live 
in the world of ideas as a writer does, or find other expressive 
outlets like organizing games around friends. They enjoy variety 
and get bored easily. They crave acknowledgement for their 
creativity. They want to be the center of attention. They value 
friendships and easily enjoy life. They learn by doing.  

Parenting communications for Affective-style children: 

Give these children affection, touch, conversation, and personal 
attention. Share stories about life, and look at photo albums. 
Engage them in group activities; they'll rise to challenges 
when presented with excitement and fun. These children love 
outings, family vacations, and new experiences.

Allow them to be creative, offer structure and discipline 
positively and enthusiastically. Encourage them in projects 
involving drama, theater, group activities, peer counseling, 
and selling for fund raising. Good luck asking these kids to 
take out the garbage!  

How can Josh's mom communicate better with her affective-style 
son? Applying her organization skills, she can develop a colored 
chart showing scheduled times for Josh's activities. She sets a 
clown-face timer for 20 minutes, the amount of time it takes to 
share breakfast. When the buzzer sounds, she gets Josh to move 
by gently touching his arm. That urges him to get ready before 
leaving for school.