Esther, 55, and Jim, 71 are successful professionals who married 
five years ago. Unfortunately, conflicts have escalated between 
Esther and Jim’s adult children. Things reached the point that 
Ester was no longer welcome at holiday family gatherings, and Jim 
couldn’t invite his children on his prized yacht-club cruises 
without suffering accusations of betrayal and lack of loyalty 
by one side or the other.

Jim is a mild-mannered retired real estate broker who 
unfortunately suffered from a recent diagnosis of cancer. As 
a result, like many ill people, he just wanted peace in his 
remaining years, a goal that was increasingly eluding him as 
family members escalated their conflict with each other.

What’s going on here?

This family was clearly suffering from a lack of empathy. Empathy 
requires understanding the perspective of others and being able 
to see things from the values and belief systems of other family 
members.

However, Esther was unable to comprehend and accept that she was 
putting Jim in an impossible position of constantly having to 
choose between his love for her and his love for his adult 
children.

The children, on the other hand, saw Esther as a young “gold-
digger” who was ultimately going to take what they considered 
their inheritance. They were unable to see that Esther truly 
loved her older husband or that Jim had a basic right to do with 
his money as he wished—including spending it in ways they might 
consider foolish.


What Lack of Empathy Means

Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families. It 
is a sign that family members are only thinking of themselves 
and are only concerned with their own ideas and feelings— not 
others.’ Relatives lacking empathy push only their own issues 
while not seeing or caring about the needs of others.

While lack of empathy can lead to years of family conflict, 
arguing and bickering, the good news is that you can increase 
your empathy by practicing the following three basic skills:


Keys to Developing Empathy

Key #1. Learn to listen. Empathic listening goes further than 
ordinary listening. It is listening while you suspend your normal 
“filters” that distort what you hear. It is listening without 
judgment— understanding, rather than defending or attacking.

The first step was for Esther and her husband’s children to sit 
down and “hear each other out” in the presence of a trusted 
family friend who served as a mediator. While they were still at 
odds with each other at this point, at least they had made a 
start in better understanding.

Key #2. Eliminate barriers to effectible communication. This 
involves becoming mindful of the message conveyed by the phrases 
you use as well as your tone of voice, facial expressions, and 
your posture or stance.

Esther, for example, frequently “chopped the air” with her hands 
when discussing things with family members which instantly put 
the relatives on the defensive and made them not trust her.

The children’s communications style made Esther dig her heels in 
deeper when they browbeat her with phrases like “if you don’t 
like it, then...” and they rarely made eye contact with her. A 
simple way to improve remove barriers is to picture yourself on a 
video cam hanging form a corner of the room. Ask yourself, what 
am I communicating as seen or heard on the video cam?

Key #3. Practice Acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see 
that others have a right to their feelings and viewpoints. The 
first step to acceptance is when you learn to accept an 
“unchangeable reality” by changing your feelings about it.

For example; “Maybe Esther does have a financial interest in 
Father, but she takes good care of him, and they love each other 
...so who am I to say that the “trade-off” isn’t appropriate?

As you develop empathy, you will find it increasingly difficult 
to remain angry.
 

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, 
and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, 
provides anger and stress management programs, training and 
products to individuals, couples, and the workplace.  Sign 
up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at: 
http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.