Do you ever gripe and complain about life? About what happens to
you, or what you have or do not have?
I used to, a lot. I hoped complaining would make things better.
But it didn't.
In spite of my tendency to whine, I was a doer. I did not like
teaching public school. So I left and created programs for
environmental education and wilderness leadership. I started to
write. I set up my own business.
Although I liked what I did and was good at it, it was difficult.
It drained me. I felt like I was climbing a mountain with an
extra 50 pounds of rocks in my pack.
I had to force myself to take action. Along the way, I moaned
and groaned. I thought, "Life should not be so hard." I worried
about burning out. Or worse.
A New Approach
One day, I met an old friend, who had created a truly successful
life.
John had been a top architect, but fought a trend to bland,
"money-driven design." In spite of awards, he left his
profession, its politics, and a sprawling city. He designed and
built a house in a beautiful rural valley, and rebuilt his life
as an artist, teacher, and family man.
When we talked, John had a wonderful long-lasting marriage, and
two great, self-sufficient children. His paintings had changed
from pretty but commonplace nature scenes to vibrant, life-filled
paintings of people doing things they loved.
I asked him why he thought things had worked out so well.
"It was difficult at first," he said. "But it all got a lot
easier when I started saying 'Yes' to whatever came along."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Instead of worrying about every decision," he said, "if an
opportunity popped up, I took a look. I tried it out. In spite
of fears or doubts, I said, 'Yes,' and went for it. It was
great. I felt I was living without regrets.
"But," he added, "there was a downside. Saying 'yes' to
everything can be hectic. I often had a lot going on. Too much,
sometimes. I had to learn to say 'yes' to the most important
things to make space for them to grow.
"I learned to let go of less important things. I discovered
letting go is part of saying 'yes' to change and endings. When I
started saying 'yes' in that way, it all started to flow. I
didn't have to force decisions or actions; results seemed to come
naturally. I took life as it came. I relaxed, finally at ease
with change."
I came away from my chat with John inspired but confused.
Although I was making progress in my own life, things did not
flow for me.
I had to force myself to make decisions, and take action. I
tried to wrestle into being the things I wanted. The 50 pounds
of rocks still took its toll.
The Word in Our Heart
After pondering John's words for a while, I finally grasped the
wisdom in something I had read, but not fully understood.
"Each of us carries a word in our heart," wrote positive
psychologist Martin Seligman in his book Learned Optimism,
"a 'no' or a 'yes'."
What, I wondered, was my word?
As I thought about it, I realized, although I focused on creating
positive results, the dominant word in my heart was still "no."
In my attempt to better myself, and my world, I focused mostly on
problems. I wasted precious energy trying to get rid of things
I did not like and did not want.
Although I knew "creating" usually generated better and long-
lasting results than problem-solving, I still saw my creations
as solutions to problems, rather than things I loved and wanted
to bring into being.
Trying to force creations into being, I used willpower
manipulation. I tried overpowering the forces in play with my
will. That worked sometimes, but it was draining! Worse, the
results rarely lasted.
I also used conflict manipulation. Feeling sorry for myself
because creating did not come as easy as I thought it should, I
whine and complained. Doing so not only drained me; it irritated
others, and often led to conflict.
I wasn't like that all the time. I got things done. I took the
lead in creating a mountaineering school. I developed leadership
programs, wrote articles, gave speeches, and started coaching
others. However, after chatting with John, I realized "Yes" was
not yet the primary word in my heart.
When I made it so, things changed dramatically.
Saying "Yes" to Whatever Life Gives You
I gradually let go of my need to solve problems. Instead, I
focused on creating what I truly wanted in my life and world.
I stopped imposing my will on others, the world, and myself. I
began to do as the poet Rumi suggests; I let myself be silently
drawn by the stronger pull of what I really loved.
Suddenly, life got a lot easier. It was as if someone removed
that 50 pounds of rocks from of my pack. My legs felt stronger,
my step lighter. I felt as if I was striding relaxed and easily
up the mountain of my life.
Yes, I still had problems. I still faced obstacles and
adversity, but I accepted them instead of fighting against them.
I embraced difficulties as "givens," raw material out of which to
create what mattered to me. I learned from adversity, and rose
above it. I started saying "yes" to whatever came along.
It was a great day when I realized I could create success and
happiness with whatever life gave me. I reinvented my business
to reflect my new insights. I interacted better with clients.
My writing became easier and more effective.
And, in no time, I began to feel the flow John had talked about.
My life, I realized, was very good. Yes!
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