Zen: Finding enlightenment through intuition and introspection.
Listening: Making an effort to attentively hear what another
person is saying.
Therefore Zen Listening might be best described as an enlightened
art of using one’s intuition and introspection to be fully
present with another person during a conversation for the purpose
of thoroughly hearing and understanding the other person’s
communication. Why is this so important? Because when you
thoroughly listen, you create a very powerful communication
dynamic that deepens your relationships and creates powerful
boundaries at the same time. A Zen Listener has the ability to
eliminate the potential of unnecessary conflict and to create a
more powerful presence. I invite you to become a more powerful
communicator through Zen Listening.
Zen Listening includes, but is not limited to, the following
dynamics:
* Letting go of your own agendas, opinions, judgments, and/or
advice.
* Being present with the other person and disconnecting from
your own thoughts.
* Inviting the other person to say more.
* Asking for clarification when you are unclear about what
is being said.
* Offering understanding when you really get what the other
person is conveying.
* Being an objective listener and observer since this is all
about understanding (and not at all about agreeing). There
is no right or wrong.
* Letting go of criticism.
* Listening with all your senses and your intuition to really
get a thorough experience of the other person’s communication.
* And when in doubt, asking the other person what it is that
they would like from you. If they request input or advice,
then feel free to offer such, but if not, then be prepared
to offer your best Zen Listening.
Unfortunately none of us had an Interpersonal Communications 101
course in our schooling, very few of us have even had a good
communications course, and many of us have had questionable
communication and relationship role models. Therefore, it is your
responsibility (if you want healthy, lasting, and fulfilling
relationships), to learn how to be an effective communicator. The
best communicator is the one who does the most powerful listening
and the one who doesn’t react emotionally.
Following are tools to help you become a more powerful listener.
Consider this your Communications 101 curriculum.
1. Be a mirror. When a negative conversation is directed at you,
in a calm voice simply restate what you hear the person saying to
you (What I hearing you saying is ______________.) The more you
repeat back what the person is saying to you, the more he or she
will feel as though you are truly listening and hearing what it
is that they are saying. This will help to diffuse the situation
and at the same time you will better understand what it is that
the other person is saying to you.
2. Take a Time-Out. Take an agreed upon time-out if things become
too heated or if you need time to process your thoughts and
feelings about the conversation you are having. Sometimes a time-
out can be a constructive tool to avoid unnecessary aggression
and induce better understanding. You have the right to take some
time. Simply state that you need some time to think about and
process what has been said, and then take it. Also, make sure you
make an agreement as to when you will reconnect with each other
again. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is a healthy and
effective communication paradigm.
3. Yes, and what else? Perhaps the most powerful listening
response you can say to another is, "Yes, and what else?" In
doing so you are inviting the other person to step farther into
their expression. The more they can share, and the less you
interrupt or react defensively, the more connected the two of you
will be in the conversation. For most people, listening is far
more challenging than talking. If you do nothing else, be
attentive to what the other person is saying and use these four
magic words: Yes, and what else? By doing this it will keep you
from thinking about your own needs and agenda, which will keep
you focused on listening to the other person. When you focus on
what the other person is saying, you will become a star listener.
Also, whenever you start a response with "Yes…" you are
acknowledging and inviting a more positive response back from the
other person.
4. It’s Not You, Really! When the other person is expressing a
thought, feeling, need, issue, or judgment, it comes from their
reality and is valid for them. It’s not about you! Most arguments
would never happen if you would simply accept the other person’s
point of view and agree to disagree. I have always said that
there should have been at least one more commandment: Thou shalt
not personalize. Constructive conversations are not about being
right or wrong, but rather, about understanding.
5. Yes, It Is You! Your thoughts, feelings, needs, issues, and
judgments are your reality and are valid for you. They have
little to do with the other person; and some people (including
the other person) may be unwilling to see things your way. A
fulfilling conversation (and relationship) is about having,
accepting, and negotiating differences. It is not about being
right, seeking sameness or consensus. Speak your truth, share
your opinion, and make your request if you have one. The other
person cannot read your mind, and therefore, will never know
unless you speak up.
6. Use I Statements. When you make I-statements you are taking
full responsibility and you are being fully present in the
conversation. A truly effective communicator must use I-
statements. By making clear statements using I first, you will
lower your chances of being misunderstood. When you take on the
ownership of your feelings, opinions and needs you also diminish
the chance of your becoming aggressive and the other person
becoming defensive. In speaking from the "I" instead of the
"you", you will be far less likely to provoke a defensive
response from others.
7. Turn Complaints Into Requests. You bring many, many needs into
interactions and relationships. When a need is not met, you will
experience an issue. It is impossible for all needs to be met all
the time in any relationship, so there will most likely be
numerous issues to experience and express. If you make a request
and stay focused on what you want to happen, instead of what is
wrong or not happening, and negotiate toward a win-win outcome,
you will effectively prevent or resolve conflict. This is staying
focused on the solution instead of the problem. If you stay in
the complaint, you will stay in the problem, and that will never
fulfill your needs nor resolve the issue. Say what you are
feeling and request what you want and need.
8. Check Double Messages. Sometimes a person says one thing but
acts in an opposite behavior or wants something different than he
or she expressed. Sometimes sarcastic messages mix humor with
anger (or other emotions) and are difficult to decipher. Watch
for inconsistent body language and other possible
inconsistencies. Anytime you notice or feel that there might be
some double message, stop and without any analyzing or
accusations, ask for clarification.
9. Always Speak Your Truth. Part of the path to being your
authentic self is being able to tell the full truth to the other
people about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, and
boundaries. Depending on the level and depth of the relationship,
you can appropriately share yourself. The highest level of
connection with another person is that of intimacy. One way of
defining intimacy is to use the play-on-words in-to-me-see. This
means that there is a transparency between you and another that
requires full expression of what is inside both of you.
Therefore, truly intimate relationships have an openness that
transcends all other relationships. If you try to avoid conflict
and try to maintain harmony by censoring yourself, you’ll find
that your suppressed truth will start to come out in other ways,
such as anger, withdrawal, resentment, or other forms of acting
out. When you speak your truth it may seem scary, but will result
in the kind of relationship that you really want.
The following are some rather destructive communication tactics
to close out this chapter. Obviously you will want to practice
the constructive and do your best to stay away from all of these
destructive behaviors.
Non-constructive communication behaviors:
Analyzing others’ motivation.
Focusing on others’ attributes rather than behaviors.
Making general rather than specific complaints.
Focusing on there and then rather than the here and now.
Directing comments toward unchangeable behavior.
Rejecting the other person’s response.
Being passive or passive-aggressive.
Speaking with unclear, non-specific generalizations.
Talking at others rather than with others.
One-way communication instead of two-way.
Dealing with many issues at once rather than staying
focused on one issue at a time.
The key is to practice constructive communication and stop
yourself when you enter into any non-constructive communication
behaviors.
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