In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is “My 
child won’t listen!”  Repeated attempts in trying to get a 
child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves parents 
feeling exhausted and helpless.  Frequently we say things we 
later regret and become riddled with guilt.  Usual attempts 
often include nagging, yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing 
and threats.  Despite consistently not getting the results we’re 
looking for, we resort to the same methods time and time again.  
We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents.  
Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things 
differently and not resort to some of their methods of parenting,
we do.  It seems to be automatic.  This is not intended to be an 
article about blaming our parents, rather an understanding of 
why we do what we do and provide some alternative responses.  
There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all 
did the best they knew how.  

Consider for a moment your own internal response when someone 
you know demands that you do something or that you to stop doing 
something.  For the most part, we instantly become defensive and 
decide that we’ll do as we please.  We feel robbed of our power 
and control.  We often feel attacked and want to attack back.  
Children have the same internal response when we use a hostile 
tone of voice and demand that something be stopped or that 
something be accomplished. 

Simply by rephrasing our request and using a more positive tone 
we can often get the result we’re looking for.  If children 
don’t feel attacked there is less of a need to become defensive 
and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less of 
a need to gain power.  “Stop that right now!!”  can be rephrased 
to: “As soon as you stop doing that, I’ll know you’re ready to 
go the park.”   “Pick up your toys right now or they’re all 
going into the garbage!!!” can be changed to:  “I need you to 
pick up your toys before you watch your program.  I can help.  
Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?”  “Get into the car 
right now!!!” can be changed to:  “We need to go out in the car 
now.  What toy do you want to bring with you?”  When attempting 
to get your child to pick up toys, without raising your voice 
you can try saying:  “As soon as you’ve put your train set away, 
I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.”  Also, a “no!” response 
to a child can often be turned into a “yes”.  “Can I have a 
cookie?”  Instead of saying no you can say:  “Yes, as soon as 
we get home, or as soon as you’ve finished your lunch, or later 
this afternoon...”  Nagging and lecturing as a way to engage a 
child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response.  It’s 
seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old 
respond defensively. 

Children will learn to respect us more when we show respect 
towards them.  They also learn how to show respect towards 
others.  Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your 
child playing with another child?  I’ve often heard parents say: 
“Oh my gosh!  She sounds just like me!”  Often times, we don’t 
like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of 
our of children’s mouths as an opportunity to make some positive 
changes to our parenting.  Children are great mimics.  If we 
want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have 
to model respect.  

By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please 
or condoning unacceptable behavior.  They need strongly defined 
limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make 
acceptable choices.  Strongly defined limits means establishing 
simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences 
for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent. 

Barb Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach  
Give your children your best so that they can become their best. 
Phone:  604-524-1783
email: mailto:barb@theparentingcoach.com
web site:  http://www.theparentingcoach.com