One thing I know about rejection is that it feels real.
And even though it rarely is real, it sure feels that way.
Why is it rarely real?
First let's look at - what is rejection?
It looks like someone decides they don't want to spend time,
money, or share their heart with us.
A person seemingly rejects us in favor of someone or something
else. Or so it seems at first glance.
What makes rejection seemingly hurt so much is that we perceive
it to be a rejection of us personally. As a person, a human
being.
One of the definitions of rejection is to deny. The one we
take personally is to discard as defective or useless.
That one zings right into our hearts.
One thing I know for certain -- absolutely no one on this earth
can tell you that you're defective or useless. Well, they can
tell you but you can ‘reject’ their comment.
The real pain behind rejection is that we think someone is
saying we aren't worthy. We are defective or useless. Guess
what, it's a lie.
IT'S A LIE!
You aren't defective, flawed or useless. Why is it a lie? No
one is defective or useless. If we are breathing we have an
opportunity to be quite useful and if there is something we want
to change about our lives, we can do that. No one is defective.
Why do you think that the other persons behavior is about you?
It isn't. It's about them. Always.
It's about what works and doesn't work for them. And if you
don't ‘work’ for someone, I guarantee you that you will work
for someone else. And someone else will work better for you.
And if someone can make you feel defective, then underneath you
feel that way, otherwise you would reject that thought.
You aren't defective. That’s the truth.
CLIENT EXAMPLE
I worked with a fabulous woman - we'll call her Teresa. She
is smart, kind, funny and very upbeat.
But every time a man didn't want to be with her, she felt
rejected. And it would put her into a tailspin.
As we worked on having her realize and focus on the things that
she liked about herself, she began to shift.
Step by step, she began to realize she wasn't defective and that
she was useful, and so much more.
Then we looked at the various men in her life and what was
going on with them. When she looked closely, she realized
they weren't rejecting her. It wasn't personal.
They had their own issues, insecurities, fears, etc. She also
realized she was better off without them in her life on a
romantic relationship basis.
Neither person was defective or useless - they just weren't
meant to be together in a romantic way.
Now she is dating and enjoying herself and not rejecting herself
or letting anyone else reject her.
THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
When you are in the best relationship for yourself and for the
other person, you'll know it. It doesn't mean you are home
free. There is always work in relationships. But you will
know you’re in love and loved.
But that person - the best person - for you doesn't make you
feel rejected when he has to take care of his own business.
You know he loves you - he tells and shows you in various ways.
He shows his appreciation and respect for you.
And you show love, respect and appreciation of him, which
creates a safe and courageous space for him.
WORK ON YOURSELF
So if this is a recurring theme in your life, then start right
now to heal it.
Begin by listing all the wonderful qualities you have. Then ask
friends and family what it is they appreciate and like about you.
Then look back on past relationships and honestly ask yourself
where the man was in his life when he ‘rejected’ you. What was
going on in his life? What kind of man was he really?
Often we love someone and know they are truly a good person, but
their behavior is awful. Or maybe they just aren't available,
so they can't be in a relationship. Maybe they came from an
abusive home and they don't know how to love, or communicate.
Most of us didn’t learn how to be in healthy, thriving
relationships. We learned our relationship skills at home
and often they weren’t the best models.
YOUR CHOICE
It's your choice whether you want to feel rejected or you want
to accept that it wasn't the best person for you or vice versa.
There isn't anything wrong in either case. No one is wrong,
defective or useless. It just wasn't a good fit.
So don't feel badly about yourself. You're a Goddess!
If you want some help working through any old rejection
patterns, give me a call or get some help from another
source. Don't hold on to it any longer.
When you love yourself, when you feel good about yourself, when
you let yourself and others have what is needed, you will feel
free.
So love yourself, see your goodness, honor your Goddess.
imagine the possibilities....
(c) 2004-2005 Carol C. Chanel
Certified Life Coach, CPCC
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