In Business Since 2001 We accept Paypal
Home Article Directory
More from Bill Platt
"Bill Platt for Book Authors" Youtube Channel
Training for Book Authors
Sites Owned by Bill Platt

 


DO YOU TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY? Learn How Not To



Who doesn't want to know how not to take things personally?

Every time I say I help people learn how not to take things personally they always respond - oh, I need help with that.


So how do you learn not to take things personally? I remember people used to tell me that all the time and I really wanted to stop, I just didn't know how.

Let me give you an example. I remember the first man I really loved left me - 'rejected' me - for another woman. I really loved this man and thought he loved me. How could I not take that personally? It felt personal and a lot like rejection.

How did people do it - not take things personally? Did they have some secret system? Did they have a code, some kind of DNA that I didn't have?


Well I don't know about everyone else and here's what I learned. The reason we don't need to take things personally is because it's not personal.

How can that be? Isn't the person who is standing there screaming and being mean to me, saying something about ME? Isn't the boyfriend who just went four days without calling me, saying something about ME. Or how about the girl friend who just broke up with you for another guy, isn't that personal, isn't that about ME.

Maybe your boss was really cool and aloof today, 'isn't that about ME?' you ask. How about your mother who spent your entire life not being affectionate and warm, 'Isn't that about ME?'

Do you understand where I'm going with these questions? The operative word in those scenarios is ME. And here's the key. Drum roll please! When someone is doing or saying something to you, it is about THEM not you or ME. It's about THEM.

So the boyfriend who I mentioned broke my heart and 'rejected' me turned out to be a coward, a drug addict and basically a sad human being. He went off with a woman who could take care of him, financially. When I saw him years later I realized I had been spared a life of misery.

If you hear yourself say 'I can't believe they did or said that to ME', then you need to stop, take a deep breathe, and realize you used the ME word about someone else's behavior.

We make ourselves the important part of the interaction, when the truth is the other person is making themselves the important part of the interaction and that's why it's about them.

That's why it isn't personal. It isn't personal. It isn't about you.


Let's look at the aloof boss. I had a client whose boss was the most abrupt man in the world. And she thought it said something about her. He was just condescending, abrupt, contemptuous, overworked and that was just his professional life. He was also cranky. Guess what? She ultimately realized it wasn't personal, and that it didn't work for her to be intimidated by him. That's empowering when you can say, 'This doesn't work for me.' But as long as you take it personally, then you feel badly about yourself and you won't change your situation.

By the way, that particular client gave it right back to him one day and the whole dynamic shifting. He wasn't a bad guy, he was just a bully - as long as he could get away with it. And he didn't have a large enough support staff to help him, so he was irritated and cranky. They have a good working relationship now.


I remember one time about 20 years ago I had gotten a job I really coveted. I was so happy and loved my work. At some point they restructured the company and I started reporting to a new boss. Now I didn't know it at the time, but this guy was really mean and had some deep personal problems.

I started having real problems working with this man and I was crushed. I remember sitting one afternoon crying in another director's office and he told me, 'don't take it personally, the guy is mean.' Well at the time I couldn't understand that.

Eventually I got married, moved and left that job. I found out later that the guy had done some unbelievably underhanded things to the president of the company when he didn't get his way. Guess what, the director was right. It wasn't PERSONAL. That man was mean, imbalanced and manipulative.


Who hasn't had a challenging relationship with a boss, a teacher, a date, a friend or a parent?

And when you encounter those people, why isn't what they do to you personal? Because it's about them.

You often don't have the luxury of knowing about the person's personal life. What made them the way they are. In fact, I'll share this with you. After working with people in various self-improvement capacities for the last 20 some years I can tell you many people have had unbelievably dysfunctional, painful lives. It's amazing they are even functioning.


Let me give you another example. I had a male client who was deeply in love with a woman who wasn't available. She would draw him in and then do something to push him away. It's commonly called sabotaging the relationship. Well at first he took this personally. And here's why. He had done some things in the relationship out of his fear that he felt guilty about.

So he was sure her behavior was personal. As we coached and he looked at why he had done certain things, he was deeply sorry. We worked to not have him judge himself for his previous behavior and to forgive himself. He went to her to apologize.

At first she accepted the apology and then she pushed him away again. He got to see that she had major issues around emotional intimacy. It wasn't personal. She had had a pretty tough life and the way she protected herself when she felt unsafe was to lash out. And she was highly effective! Who could blame her?

Or maybe you've been with someone who is affectionate and seemingly interested in having a committed relationship and then all of a sudden they pull away when the intimacy gets too real. That person may be suffering from shame caused by some abuse, or problem from their upbringing. We often will never know the real reason.


It's rarely personal when they pull away. They are afraid of being exposed. The more I coach the more I see how shame plays an enormous role in messing up peoples' lives and especially their relationships.

Shame plays such a significant role in so many lives that I taught a workshop on helping people to transcend shame. It's one of the secrets that blocks intimacy. But that's a separate article.

Do you see now that people's behavior and actions are about them? If you go up and hit someone and they hit you back, well that's a different story. I'm talking about the uncaused action or behavior - the yelling, the pulling or pushing away, the aloof treatment, the manipulations, or the overreaction.

Here's a big secret about how to not take things personally. Work on yourself to heal your wounds. As we heal, then we can see that other people have wounds that cause them to act or react in all sorts of ways. Often we can't SEE the other person if our wounds are too tender. They inadvertently hit a raw spot and we react from the pain.

Let me give you an example - the reason I was so sensitive to the "crazy" boss was because of my upbringing from both my father and stepmother. They both had extremely difficult and borderline abusive parents and really didn't know how to parent. At times they were mean, aloof, critical and physically and emotionally abusive. They passed their fears and wounds on to me. Once I healed my wounds I realized that their treatment of me was a sad reflection of how they felt about themselves and how they were treated.


As we heal there are less and less raw spots for others to hit and hurt. There are less opportunities and reasons for us to react.

So the two ways to not take things personally are:

- Remember it's not about you - it's about them.

- Heal your wounds. Then the things people say and do won't hurt you.


While you are healing and growing, please remember when you hear yourself say: 'Why did she/ he do or say that to ME?' to take the ME out of the sentence. Change it to 'Why did they do or say that to THEMSELVES?' And realize you might not know the answer to that question.

My stepmother recently died. As I mentioned, she and I had had an extremely difficult, painful relationship when I was growing up. And fortunately I had worked to heal the pain and hurt and had repaired our relationship. After she died, I found out something that was shocking and upsetting about her upbringing. I remember I doubled over and sobbed and sobbed. Then her behavior and treatment of me made perfect sense. If only I had known. If only she could have told us, her life and all our lives would have been so different. And yet I'm thankful for the gift of our difficult relationship. I learned first hand that it wasn't personal. None of the things she did or said were personal, they were reactions from that wounded place inside her.

You are not a victim of anyone's behavior or words. If you feel like you are please find a coach, therapist or healer and work through those issues that leave you feeling victimized. If we feel like victims, then everything will feel personal. And sometimes people are invested in being victims - it's a pattern of behavior that is familiar even if it isn't pleasant. To change the victim thought process takes time, a major shift in perspective and not judging yourself when you are working through it.

And if you have been a victim of a crime or abuse then a licensed psychotherapist is often the best way to work through those painful feelings.

And for the rest of us, who have had experiences that led us to feel like victims on some level, just trust that you can change your perspective from:

"A Victim of your Experiences to Victorious in your Learning!!"


Which will you choose? And please remember, IT IS A CHOICE. Will you choose victim or victorious.

Next time you catch yourself taking something personally, try choosing victorious and see what happens. Ask yourself: "What can I learn here?" Tell yourself: I CHOOSE TO BE VICTORIOUS! PEOPLE LOVE ME! I'M A WONDERFUL PERSON!

It is my intention to share with everyone I can how to not take things personally. Please call or email me if you have any questions or thoughts you'd like to share with me.

Here's to a Victorious Life, free of taking things personally!


Carol Chanel CPCC


About The Author: Shop Amazon - Top Gift Ideas
Carol Chanel is a Certified Life Coach who helps her clients move beyond stuck to a new life of joyous love, healthy relationships, fulfillment and fun. http://www.carolchanel.com

VOTE ON THIS ARTICLE
Needs Work >> 0 - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 << Excellent Article

Tell our authors what you think about their article.



Top-Level Category: Articles

10 Most Recent Articles Written by Carol Chanel

10 Easy Steps to Feeling Fabulous!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2010-01-12 | Word Count: 1238 | Page Views: 3339 | Votes: 4 | Rating: 2.00
Over the years of helping women learn to feel fabulous, I realized there are 10 steps you have to take in order to truly feel it. Before I tell you the 10 steps, I want to first share with you what being fabulous really means and what gets in the way of it. This way the steps will make sense.

Victims And Relationships Donít Mix!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2009-07-16 | Word Count: 1392 | Page Views: 3246 | Votes: 12 | Rating: 2.17
In order for relationships to be truly fun, fulfilling, joyful and loving both people have to be emotionally healthy. That doesn't mean you still don't have some issues to resolve - that's part of life. It does mean that you aren't living a life as a victim of a past experience(s) and continuing to recreate more victim experiences.

Nice Has Its Price!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2009-07-14 | Word Count: 845 | Page Views: 3319 | Votes: 14 | Rating: 2.21
The key to living your life from a place of freedom, peace and joy is that if you try to live your life to please others, or to do what they think you should, you'll never be happy or fulfill your dreams. These tips can help lead you to a more happy, more fulfilling life...

How To Say No!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2009-07-09 | Word Count: 912 | Page Views: 3457 | Votes: 14 | Rating: 2.86
We've all have had the experience where we meant to say no to someone. We knew it was going to be difficult but we were determined this time. Then next thing you know, we're saying yes. How did that happen? Why did that happen? Do you notice that the very people you mean to say no to, are the ones who seem to draw the life energy out of you?

Are Your Decisions Crushing Your Spirit?
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2009-07-08 | Word Count: 829 | Page Views: 4079 | Votes: 14 | Rating: 1.29
Next time you have to make a decision about a job, a relationship, a promotion, or even a date, I want you to run the fear-based vs. trust-based test past it.

Do's And Don'ts Of A Great Relationship!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2009-07-07 | Word Count: 1296 | Page Views: 2907 | Votes: 12 | Rating: 2.00
The other day I asked a couple I had coached to consciously model a great relationship for his younger brother and girlfriend. I realize a lot of us never knew what a great relationship looked like. We didn't know what to do and not do. We only had in our minds relationships we saw at home, our friend's relationships, those we saw on TV or in the movies, or read about in books. So what does a great relationship look like? Read this article to get a list of the do's and don'ts of a great relationship...

What Is Your Negative Self-Talk Doing To You?
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2006-11-14 | Word Count: 1234 | Page Views: 5082 | Votes: 17 | Rating: 2.24
What is your negative self-talk doing to your health? Your heart? Your soul?

How To Turn Your Breakup Into A Blast Off!
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2006-11-07 | Word Count: 875 | Page Views: 2548 | Votes: 11 | Rating: 2.00
The other night I watched the Jack Nicholson-Diane Keaton romantic comedy, 'Something's Gotta Give' for the third time. I wondered what I liked about the movie that motivated me to watch it so many times. Sure the writing and the acting is first rate, the locations are spectacular and seeing Jack Nicholson in a comedic role is always a treat and Keanu Reeves is a pleasure to look at.

Do You Take Things Personally? Learn How Not To
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2006-11-02 | Word Count: 1891 | Page Views: 15851 | Votes: 49 | Rating: 4.08
Do you take things personally and wish you didn't? Do you want to know how not to take things personally? Every time I say I help people learn how not to take things personally I always get the same response Ė oh, I need help with that.

5 Steps to Living Softly
Written by: Carol Chanel | Distributed: 2006-10-24 | Word Count: 1141 | Page Views: 3242 | Votes: 17 | Rating: 2.65
Women have gotten busy and successful and lost touch with the advantages of being soft. This article will guide you through five steps to reconnect with living softly and help you understand why it's so important to you and the people in your life.

All of Author's Articles on this site:

Most Recent "" Articles

Ann Arbor, MI Offers A Lot Of Year-Around Family Fun
Written by: Jeb Maxwell | Distributed: 2010-01-20 | Word Count: 595 | Page Views: 3037 | Votes: 7 | Rating: 1.43
Ann Arbor, Michigan is the home of the University of Michigan, a leading institution of higher education. Ann Arbor is a wonderful place to visit. The University is co-mingled with the city and greatly expands the cultural places and events available in the area.

Flowers Are The Perfect Gift For Father's Day
Written by: Wesley Berry, AAF | Distributed: 2008-02-20 | Word Count: 486 | Page Views: 4428 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
Dads everywhere have Sonora Smart Dodd to thank for getting Father's Day started. In 1909, Sonora sat in a church in Spokane, Washington listening to a sermon expounding on the virtues of motherhood. But, as she sat there, she thought about how special her own father was since it was he who raised her after the death of her mother.

Finding the Adventure in Travel Again
Written by: Helen Bergstein | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 718 | Page Views: 3428 | Votes: 13 | Rating: 2.77
If you want to experience adventure at every level of your next trip, you need to go beyond the usual resorts and places to stay. If you're like most travelers, personal safety remains a priority, especially in today's world. A growing number of savvy travelers have found the perfect balance between adventure and comfort.

7 Tips to Hiring a Good DJ for your Party
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 563 | Page Views: 4181 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 1.40
If you want to have a party that everyone will be talking about for days and years later, hire a good DJ to run your music and light show. Hiring a DJ can actually be fun. Just follow these simple tips, and you are sure to have a fabulous DJ for your party.

Building your Credit to get a Mortgage
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 840 | Page Views: 4221 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
You are thinking about purchasing real estate. However, you are not sure if your credit is good enough to get a mortgage. There are things that you can do to build your credit so that it is worthy of any mortgage that may interest you.

1569 Unique Ways To Get A Free Lunch
Written by: Steve Robichaud | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 2386 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
Everywhere you turn - T.V., Radio, magazines, or the Internet, someone is talking about government grants. What's the real story? Does the government give away real money, to ordinary people, to use for whatever they want? Let's take a closer look:

Don't Wait to Start Your Marketing Strategy
Written by: Jo Fulkerson | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 2681 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
Your novel is finished, youíve had it edited by a professional Editor, and youíve done the rewrites. What? You havenít had an editor edit your work yet? This is a must. There are many editors advertising in Writerís Digest.

NEVER Reply to an eGroup Post!
Written by: BIG Mike McDaniel | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 3870 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
eGroups are collections of people subscribed to a common (discussion list) address. When one member sends an eMail message to the eGroup address, it is automatically sent to everyone else on the list. As subscribers open and read their eMail, discussion threads take shape with additional posts and replies. The attraction of eGroups is the ability to join in at your convenience as opposed to the confinement of live chat rooms.

Reasons behind Shoulder Pain
Written by: Jessica Horowitz | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 3711 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
Pain between the shoulder blades, or any pain for that matter, is your body's way of notifying you that something is amiss. You should never ignore it and hope it will *go away by itself*. There are a multitude of possible causes of pain between the shoulder blades. We'll discuss common ones in this article and start with the most serious conditions first:

Effective Managers Need To Coach
Written by: Wendy Hearn | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 3144 | Votes: 3 | Rating: 0.67
Bearing in mind the fast pace of business today and the need to stay competitive, it's essential that managers should be effective. They need to be especially effective with their people and this requires learning to coach. For most managers, coaching has been added to their role anyway, but the majority haven't received any training in coaching skills.

Most Viewed "" Articles

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY - LIFE'S BIGGEST QUESTION
Written by: Richard Sparky Bryan | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 12604 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
When did Americans stop taking responsibility for their own actions? My friend agreed that the slide began in the late 1960's with the growth of the drug culture. But he was quick to emphasize that although the sixties began the slide, the real sharp slope did not arrive until the 1990's. Along about 1993, the slide began to sharpen. It was not until early 1998 that the slope became a steep cliff.

High Thread Count Bed Sheets. How Many Threads Does A Bed Sheet Need?
Written by: Liz Beresford | Distributed: 2004-09-14 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 5025 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
High thread count bed sheets, often called percale, are much advertised, but what exactly does 'high thread' count mean? You know that it means quality and comfort, but do you know why? It used to be considered good to have thread count of 180-200 but thread counts of up to 1000 are advertised these days.. So what is going on? Does high thread count always mean better quality? Is there an optimum thread count, and if so what is it?

Muzzling the Motor Mouths: Silence Workplace Windbags
Written by: Bill Lampton Ph.D. | Distributed: 2005-12-01 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 4952 | Votes: 3 | Rating: 0.33
During my twenty-three years in management, I dealt with blabbermouths frequently, so for the last ten years I have advised clients on how to silence the workplace windbags. Here are my suggestions for muzzling the motor mouths:

Better Than Botox is there a Safer Substitute?
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2005-09-08 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 4872 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
Women since time immemorial have always looked for ways to enhance and prolong their beauty. This of course becomes more difficult as they age.

12 Ways to Promote Your Business And Website for Free
Written by: Ivana Katz | Distributed: 2005-03-29 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 4799 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
You are very excited!! You have finally created your own website!! But the trouble is customers aren*t knocking on your website door. Why? The most probable answer is...

Transform Your Work Area into a Homey Environment
Written by: Ted Roberson | Distributed: 2006-02-24 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 4769 | Votes: 3 | Rating: 1.33
Nothing enables one to think and work better than a comfortable working environment. Especially if you have a sedentary job, you've got to have little knick knacks around that will enliven your spirits or which you can look at for inspiration or just to zone out in relaxation.

Flowers Are The Perfect Gift For Father's Day
Written by: Wesley Berry, AAF | Distributed: 2008-02-20 | Word Count: 486 | Page Views: 4428 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
Dads everywhere have Sonora Smart Dodd to thank for getting Father's Day started. In 1909, Sonora sat in a church in Spokane, Washington listening to a sermon expounding on the virtues of motherhood. But, as she sat there, she thought about how special her own father was since it was he who raised her after the death of her mother.

Building your Credit to get a Mortgage
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 840 | Page Views: 4221 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
You are thinking about purchasing real estate. However, you are not sure if your credit is good enough to get a mortgage. There are things that you can do to build your credit so that it is worthy of any mortgage that may interest you.

7 Tips to Hiring a Good DJ for your Party
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 563 | Page Views: 4181 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 1.40
If you want to have a party that everyone will be talking about for days and years later, hire a good DJ to run your music and light show. Hiring a DJ can actually be fun. Just follow these simple tips, and you are sure to have a fabulous DJ for your party.

NEVER Reply to an eGroup Post!
Written by: BIG Mike McDaniel | Distributed: 2006-05-07 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 3870 | Votes: 2 | Rating: 0.00
eGroups are collections of people subscribed to a common (discussion list) address. When one member sends an eMail message to the eGroup address, it is automatically sent to everyone else on the list. As subscribers open and read their eMail, discussion threads take shape with additional posts and replies. The attraction of eGroups is the ability to join in at your convenience as opposed to the confinement of live chat rooms.

Highest Ranked "" Articles

Finding the Adventure in Travel Again
Written by: Helen Bergstein | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 718 | Page Views: 3428 | Votes: 13 | Rating: 2.77
If you want to experience adventure at every level of your next trip, you need to go beyond the usual resorts and places to stay. If you're like most travelers, personal safety remains a priority, especially in today's world. A growing number of savvy travelers have found the perfect balance between adventure and comfort.

Building your Credit to get a Mortgage
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 840 | Page Views: 4221 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
You are thinking about purchasing real estate. However, you are not sure if your credit is good enough to get a mortgage. There are things that you can do to build your credit so that it is worthy of any mortgage that may interest you.

Flowers Are The Perfect Gift For Father's Day
Written by: Wesley Berry, AAF | Distributed: 2008-02-20 | Word Count: 486 | Page Views: 4428 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 2.20
Dads everywhere have Sonora Smart Dodd to thank for getting Father's Day started. In 1909, Sonora sat in a church in Spokane, Washington listening to a sermon expounding on the virtues of motherhood. But, as she sat there, she thought about how special her own father was since it was he who raised her after the death of her mother.

Ann Arbor, MI Offers A Lot Of Year-Around Family Fun
Written by: Jeb Maxwell | Distributed: 2010-01-20 | Word Count: 595 | Page Views: 3037 | Votes: 7 | Rating: 1.43
Ann Arbor, Michigan is the home of the University of Michigan, a leading institution of higher education. Ann Arbor is a wonderful place to visit. The University is co-mingled with the city and greatly expands the cultural places and events available in the area.

7 Tips to Hiring a Good DJ for your Party
Written by: Kamau Austin | Distributed: 2006-05-11 | Word Count: 563 | Page Views: 4181 | Votes: 10 | Rating: 1.40
If you want to have a party that everyone will be talking about for days and years later, hire a good DJ to run your music and light show. Hiring a DJ can actually be fun. Just follow these simple tips, and you are sure to have a fabulous DJ for your party.

Kick Off The New Year With 24 Hours of Motivation
Written by: Diana Barnum | Distributed: 2005-12-17 | Word Count: 0 | Page Views: 924 | Votes: 5 | Rating: 0.40
Twenty-four hours can position you on the path to reaching your goals, aspirations and purpose.











Download an eBook today
 
Directory Navigation
Locate By Category:

ALL Categories
Arts & Crafts
Arts & Entertainment
Automotive
Business - Offline
Business - Online
Career
Computers
Education
Family
Finance
Food & Drink
Health & Wellness
Home & Garden
Humor
Internet
Nature & Pets
Real Estate
Religion
Self Improvement
Shopping
Society
Sports & Recreation
Technology
Travel & Leisure
Uncategorized
World Events
Writing & Speaking

Change Number of Results:
50 - 100 - 200 - 500
Article Reprint Rights
Creative Commons License

This work is
licensed under a
Creative Commons
License


You are not required to show the creative commons license notice when you reprint this work.
Article Statistics
Word Count: 0

Total Views: 1914

Article Rating: 0.00 of 5
Votes Cast: 1

More Articles By Author:



Last Distribution Date:
2004-09-23 00:48:24

Internal ID: #1569





All Articles are Copyright © 2001-2019 of the Defined Authors.

All other material and images on this site are:
Copyright © 2001-2019, ThePhantomWriters.com