The Most Common Form of Conflict

In my work I do a lot of conflict resolution and lately I've 
been seeing quite a lot of what I call Deadly Dynamics.  If 
you aren't in the midst of a deadly dynamic right now, you've 
certainly experienced it once or twice in your career and I 
guarantee its going to pop up on your team one day soon.  Learn 
to recognize now it before it throws a monkey wrench into all 
your hard work.


What is Deadly Dynamics?

What is a Deadly Dynamic?  It is any situation in which two 
people are unwittingly driving each other into the very behavior 
they each hate.  When its happening to you, all you can see is 
that the other person is a pain (or a Dope, or a Jerk, or a 
Pick-Your-Favorite-Epithet).  You're very aware of the 
dysfunctional behavior of the other person, but have a hard 
time seeing what you do that keeps the dynamic spinning. In 
my experience, it almost always Takes Two to Tango.


The best way to describe the phenomenon is with a few examples:

The Case of the Micro-Managing Boss

Bob has a classic complaint: My boss, Jason, is a real 
micro-manager -- controlling, insecure, the whole nine yards.  
He's always peering over my shoulder.  He even spies on me by 
squeezing my peers and direct reports for dirt!  I usually like 
to bat around ideas with my boss, but if I ask this guy for 
input, I know he'll just take over.  The only way to have any 
control over my work is to try to stay below the radar.  It's 
a full time job to keep him from meddling in my work.  

We can all sympathize with that situation.  Micro-managers are 
a nightmare.  The only choices are to live with it or go look 
for another job. 

But now lets go talk with Jason:  Bob is so secretive.  He won't 
keep me informed about what he's working on and never asks for 
my input.  It's like pulling teeth to get any information from 
him.  It makes me worry that he is doing a lousy job or even 
something unethical -- either way its something that will one 
day blow up in my face.  I've even had to resort to asking his 
peers and direct reports what's going on so I don't get 
blind-sided!

Now the picture looks a little different.  They are caught in a 
deadly dynamic -- Bob holds back info.  Jason, fearful of what he
doesn't know, asks for more information than he would otherwise. 
In response, Bob becomes even more close mouthed.  And on and 
on.  All Bob can see is that Jason is Micro-Managing.  All Jason 
can see is that Bob is Secretive.  Neither is aware of how his 
own behavior is part of the dynamic.


The Case of the Flighty VP

John is a CEO who has concerns about a new VP:  I really value 
Mary's brains and enthusiasm, but I wish she weren't always in 
'sales' mode.  She gives me all the reasons why we should leap 
into action, but seems more interested in getting me to say 
'yes' than in having a real dialogue about the pros and cons.  
I don't want to squash her creativity, so my first response is 
to acknowledge all the things I like in an idea, but often after 
sleeping on it I have some questions and concerns that I need 
addressed before I'm ready to commit resources.  Mary travels a 
lot so I often send an e-mail the next day with my questions and 
concerns.   And then I never hear back!  She flits off onto the 
next thing.  This lack of response to my questions makes me 
worry about her initial analysis as well as her ability to 
follow through and execute on any of her ideas.  Maybe she 
doesn't really have the initiative I thought she did.

By now you know that Mary's experience is very different:   I 
started this job with a lot of energy and a desire to make a big 
impact, but after a few months I am very discouraged.  Time and 
again I meet with John to talk through a new initiative.  He's 
always very enthusiastic and gives me the green light, but the 
next day I get a long e-mail from him completely back pedaling. 
He can't tell me 'no' to my face or even engage in a face to face 
dialogue, so he does it by e-mail.  Classic passive-aggressive 
behavior!  I could spin my wheels fighting him, but its clear he 
wants me to drop the idea and not waste any more time on it.  I 
keep searching for an initiative that he will buy into so I can 
take some action and really show him how much value I can add to 
the business.  I do my best to present a compelling picture so 
that he'll HAVE to say 'yes', but it doesn't seem to do any 
good.  He clearly doesn't want VP's with any really initiative. 

These are two people with very different styles who could 
complement each other, but instead drive each other to the 
extremes of their typical style.


What do these situations have in common?

1. Each person's viewpoint seems perfectly reasonable when 
   viewed in isolation.
2. The two people are working at cross purposes.
3. Neither is aware that the other person's behavior is a 
   response to something they are doing.
4. Each person assumes they know what the other is thinking or 
   trying to do, and they're usually wrong.
5. The frustration has led them to assign bad intent and to put 
   a derogatory label on the other.
6. They each assume the other can't change.
7. Neither person has brought up the issue with the other.
8. Nothing will change until they talk openly to each other.



Changing the Dynamic

The hard part about changing a deadly dynamic is that you're 
often not aware that you are in the middle of one.  It doesn't 
feel dynamic at all.  In fact, you feel very stuck in the face 
of unreasonable behavior that seems to have nothing to do with 
you.  So the first step is to try to see what has so far been 
invisible to you.  (Kind of like being in The Matrix and waking 
up to discover a whole new reality.)

The only way to fully see a deadly dynamic is to talk to that 
other person that you are so frustrated with.  Sounds like a 
good way to make things worse, right?  Well, it will make things 
worse if you're convinced that the other person is the problem 
and your job is to show them the error of their ways!

Instead, approach them with a spirit of inquiry and a desire to 
understand the other side of the dynamic:  I've been frustrated 
lately with how we've been working together and I'm wondering if 
you're frustrated too?  I think if we both shared our perspective
we might get a more complete understanding of what's going on.

You might want to share this e-mail with them and say: This 
newsletter got me thinking that we might be in the midst of our 
own deadly dynamic.  Would you be willing to talk about it with 
me and see if we can get ourselves on a more productive footing? 
I'm open to the possibility that I'm doing something that adds 
fuel to the fire.


Silly Dynamics

Sometimes dynamics are more silly than deadly.  My Dad is a 
frugal and practical guy and will wear a pair of jeans until 
they fall off his body in shreds.  My Mom thinks Dad is a 
handsome devil (still!) and loves to see him looking his best.  
She also thinks that a man who has been so selfless and generous 
all his life deserves a few nice things.  So, when she is out 
and about she picks up a few gifts for him so he can throw out 
those old rags and wear something spiffy.  Dad's response is 
to put the new clothes away until he "really" needs them -- 
what could be more practical?  But poor Mom never gets the 
satisfaction of seeing him in nice clothes, so the next time 
she is out shopping and sees something in the window, she 
thinks, Won't that look nice on my sweetie! and buys it!  Dad 
again puts the new duds in the back of the closet and calls me 
up and says: Tell your Mother to stop buying me new clothes!  
I have a closet full of things I've never worn!  I tell him the 
only way to stop her is to unwrap some of those new things and 
wear them so she can get some satisfaction, but he can't get 
himself to do something so wasteful.  Mom gets no satisfaction, 
so she continues with her wasteful shopping.  I've told Dad 
that it is in his power to change the dynamic, but he says: 
I'd rather complain.


So there you have it.  Would you prefer to complain rather than 
make a few adjustments in your own behavior?

(There is also the Heavenly Dynamic, in which Mom loves to cook 
gourmet meals and Dad loves to eat them.  Dad takes one bite and 
his face is instantly transformed with bliss which he follows 
up with verbal appreciation.  With such a response, Mom outdoes 
herself on the next recipe and Dad searches for more superlatives 
with which to praise her.  Good behavior elicits more good 
behavior.  We should all be so lucky.)