The only souvenir I still have from the Bahamas is an old
“I survived the Booze and Cruise” t-shirt...and a few
snorkeling rules forever etched in my memory.
Back in college (as if I needed to say more), my boyfriend,
his best friend, and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. We,
of course, did all the necessary research to know the
attractions we wanted to see and have some familiarity with
local customs...Yeah, right. We knew nothing and cared even
less. We were going to the Bahamas on a cruise ship for
about $200 a person! It was a deal where we had to listen
to their time-share nonsense, but we were college students.
We were pros at listening for hours on end about topics we
had little to no interest in.
The three of us were wandering around Nassau discussing all
that we wanted to do: snorkel, take a ride in a glass
bottom boat, veg on the beach, drink something with an
umbrella in it...That’s when a woman walked up to us to
invite us on the Booze and Cruise. I assumed she wanted to
braid my hair like everyone else, so I really didn’t even
want to slow down. Instead, she said that she had a coupon
for us to go on the Booze and Cruise for only $40 per
person, and for that price, we would be riding in a glass
bottom boat out to a private island with white, sandy
beaches and stopping to snorkel along the way. That was
most of what we wanted to do, and it was cheaper than
doing things one at a time. Then, there was the kicker.
All you can drink for free. SOLD!
We boarded the boat and started drinking like - well, like
college students with no idea of their own mortality. We
were ordering several drinks at a time, having a great
time, but we were never going to be able to remember it.
Eventually, our boat stopped to snorkel next to a reef.
However, I literally have a shark phobia. Deciding to
snorkel was a major step for me, but I was in the Bahamas,
and I wasn’t going to go home with any regrets.
I stood on the edge of the boat, waiting for my snorkel
gear, when the captain began to address us over the loud
speaker. “If you plan to snorkel today, please do not have
had any alcoholic drinks...” This would have been ideal
information to share with me BEFORE you opened the bar.
I put my mask on and began to adjust the mouthpiece anyway.
Now my boyfriend was hardly the English major I was, but
even he got a kick out of “please do not have had.” Past
tense instructions. Greeeeeaaat.
Then our brave captain addressed us again. “Also, please
do not wear anything shiny or metallic in the water as it
will attract barracudas, which are much more of a threat
than sharks. You will look like a fishing lure.” I looked
down at my – I kid you not – silver metallic bathing suit
with a silver zipper from bottom to top, and I began
wondering if the Lord might be telling me something.
Thou shalt not swim with the sharks. Thou art wise to
have thought before that mortals should not swim with
large, powerful, man-eating fish with enormous teeth.
Exactly what in the world was I supposed to do at this
point? I am in the middle of the ocean. I can’t change
clothes! How do these people function on past tense
instructions?!? And barracudas? I wasn’t even afraid of
them. Now I have a whole new fear. And did this man just
say “shark” while we are out on the ocean? It’s one thing
to utter such horrors in the living room of your
land-locked home, but on the water?!? Shut up before one
hears you, idiot!
All of these thoughts were going through my mind as I
stood there on the edge of the boat, fully clad in my
snorkel gear...and apparent fishing lure accessories, as
close as I might ever be conquering my fear. My boyfriend
went in first, and his friend comforted me, encouraging me
to join him. Then they both hummed the theme to Jaws, and
then they would encourage me again. Someone should tell
them in the future that they should not have done that that
day; they could benefit from some past tense instruction.
I jumped in. I did it! I snorkeled! I didn’t even
hyperventilate once. I saw beautiful fish and had an
incredible time just being proud of myself. Not a barracuda
or shark in sight. My boyfriend tried to hug me, because he
was so proud, but I only held on for a second, because I
wanted to look over here, over there, and over on the other
side too. Suddenly I was Jacques Cousteau!
I think we were out there for about an hour. When we came
back to the boat, we were all drying off, safe and sound.
I was beaming and toasting my victory. I had moved from a
serious buzz to a serious buzz while conquering a crippling
phobia...to conquering the aforementioned phobia and
becoming entirely too intoxicated to function.
The captain brought me an ice water. Impressing the Booze
and Cruise captain with your level of intoxication is only
cool while you are actually drunk. Once you try to sober up
later – on a rocking cruise ship, mind you – you realize
the feat is not impressive, but instead a fore horseman of
the Apocalypse. But while I was still drunk, I brought a
few more rounds over to the guys, and we sat down to talk
about all of the things we saw out there. I think everyone
on the boat knew exactly how happy I was. As I settled in
to enjoy the ride back, basking in my glory and laughing at
my stupid fear of being eaten alive in the ocean, a woman
walked over to us and said, “Did you guys see that huge
barracuda out there?”
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